New 2009 2010 BMW Z4 - ZPOST
BMW Garage BMW Meets Register Search Today's Posts Mark Forums Read


Go Back   New 2009 2010 BMW Z4 - ZPOST > BIMMERPOST Universal Forums > Off-Topic Discussions Board

Post Reply
 
Thread Tools Search this Thread
      08-11-2023, 06:05 PM   #1167
Buug959
Captain
Buug959's Avatar
Ukraine
17345
Rep
873
Posts

Drives: 335xi E90, GMC Sierra, VW Golf
Join Date: Jun 2020
Location: Nova Scotia

iTrader: (0)

Q: Why wouldn't the sesame seed leave the casino?

A: It was on a roll.
__________________
Wha' da ya mean? No brakes never stopped anyone before!
Appreciate 3
Esteban43472.50
M5Rick59811.50
BMWGUYinCO4121.50
      08-12-2023, 05:20 PM   #1168
Buug959
Captain
Buug959's Avatar
Ukraine
17345
Rep
873
Posts

Drives: 335xi E90, GMC Sierra, VW Golf
Join Date: Jun 2020
Location: Nova Scotia

iTrader: (0)

My wife complains that I don't buy her flowers.
To be honest, I didn't know she sold flowers.
__________________
Wha' da ya mean? No brakes never stopped anyone before!
Appreciate 5
Esteban43472.50
KRS_SN13458.00
M5Rick59811.50
BMWGUYinCO4121.50
      08-14-2023, 12:03 PM   #1169
M5Rick
General
M5Rick's Avatar
59812
Rep
19,507
Posts

Drives: M5 F10 DCT Gunmetal
Join Date: Aug 2018
Location: Southern England

iTrader: (0)

A van carrying snooker equipment has crashed on the motorway.
Queues on both sides.
Appreciate 3
Llarry15614.50
Buug95917345.00
BMWGUYinCO4121.50
      08-14-2023, 12:46 PM   #1170
RobotDoctor
Professional Nomad
RobotDoctor's Avatar
679
Rep
128
Posts

Drives: 2019 440i F36 Sportline
Join Date: Mar 2023
Location: Florida's first coast

iTrader: (0)

What do you get when you play country music backwards?

You get your wife back, you get your job back, you get your truck back, you get your dog back .....

Appreciate 6
Esteban43472.50
Llarry15614.50
vreihen1615158.00
Buug95917345.00
BMWGUYinCO4121.50
3.0L8932.00
      08-14-2023, 01:43 PM   #1171
vreihen16
Recovering Perfectionist
vreihen16's Avatar
Ukraine
15158
Rep
941
Posts

Drives: 2015 BMW i3 BEV
Join Date: Jun 2019
Location: Orange County, NY

iTrader: (0)

Garage List
Q: What's the difference between a tornado and an Arkansas divorce?


A: Absolutely nothing. In both cases, someone is going to lose a trailer!
__________________
2015 BMW i3 BEV, Giga World (Lodge interior), Tech/Driving Assist Packages, 30K miles
Appreciate 5
Esteban43472.50
Buug95917345.00
Llarry15614.50
BMWGUYinCO4121.50
M5Rick59811.50
      08-14-2023, 02:36 PM   #1172
Esteban
Major General
Esteban's Avatar
United_States
43473
Rep
7,224
Posts

Drives: a slow car fast
Join Date: Jun 2014
Location: SoCal

iTrader: (0)

Q: What do you get from a pampered cow?

A: Spoiled milk.
__________________
Appreciate 3
Buug95917345.00
Llarry15614.50
BMWGUYinCO4121.50
      08-14-2023, 02:39 PM   #1173
Esteban
Major General
Esteban's Avatar
United_States
43473
Rep
7,224
Posts

Drives: a slow car fast
Join Date: Jun 2014
Location: SoCal

iTrader: (0)

What did one traffic light say to the other?

Look away, I’m changing.
__________________
Appreciate 3
vreihen1615158.00
Llarry15614.50
BMWGUYinCO4121.50
      08-15-2023, 10:09 AM   #1174
BMWGUYinCO
Second Lieutenant
BMWGUYinCO's Avatar
4122
Rep
273
Posts

Drives: 22 M850 Convertible '23 X3 M40
Join Date: Apr 2020
Location: Colorado

iTrader: (0)

If staying home in bed were a competition, I'd take home atrophy!
Appreciate 6
Esteban43472.50
Buug95917345.00
vreihen1615158.00
M5Rick59811.50
Llarry15614.50
      08-15-2023, 05:00 PM   #1175
M5Rick
General
M5Rick's Avatar
59812
Rep
19,507
Posts

Drives: M5 F10 DCT Gunmetal
Join Date: Aug 2018
Location: Southern England

iTrader: (0)

What does Kylie sing while counting sheep?
I can't get ewe out of my head.
Appreciate 5
Buug95917345.00
BMWGUYinCO4121.50
KRS_SN13458.00
Llarry15614.50
Ingraman144.50
      08-21-2023, 01:20 AM   #1176
M5Rick
General
M5Rick's Avatar
59812
Rep
19,507
Posts

Drives: M5 F10 DCT Gunmetal
Join Date: Aug 2018
Location: Southern England

iTrader: (0)

Why did the Tesla lose the race?
Because it was shocked to find out that the finish
line wasn't a charging station.
Appreciate 0
      08-24-2023, 03:35 PM   #1177
Buug959
Captain
Buug959's Avatar
Ukraine
17345
Rep
873
Posts

Drives: 335xi E90, GMC Sierra, VW Golf
Join Date: Jun 2020
Location: Nova Scotia

iTrader: (0)

An elderly couple is in church. The wife leans in and says to her husband, " I've let out one of those silent farts, what should I do?"
The husband says, "Change the battery in your hearing aid."
__________________
Wha' da ya mean? No brakes never stopped anyone before!

Last edited by Buug959; 08-26-2023 at 09:02 AM..
Appreciate 7
Esteban43472.50
vreihen1615158.00
KRS_SN13458.00
BMWGUYinCO4121.50
M5Rick59811.50
      08-24-2023, 03:42 PM   #1178
Buug959
Captain
Buug959's Avatar
Ukraine
17345
Rep
873
Posts

Drives: 335xi E90, GMC Sierra, VW Golf
Join Date: Jun 2020
Location: Nova Scotia

iTrader: (0)

I dig,
You dig,
He digs,
She digs,
We dig,
They dig.

It's not a long poem but it's deep.
__________________
Wha' da ya mean? No brakes never stopped anyone before!

Last edited by Buug959; 08-29-2023 at 04:05 PM..
Appreciate 3
Esteban43472.50
BMWGUYinCO4121.50
M5Rick59811.50
      08-28-2023, 12:02 PM   #1179
BMWGUYinCO
Second Lieutenant
BMWGUYinCO's Avatar
4122
Rep
273
Posts

Drives: 22 M850 Convertible '23 X3 M40
Join Date: Apr 2020
Location: Colorado

iTrader: (0)

I take my cow for walks in the local vineyard.

I herd it through the grapevine.
Appreciate 6
Esteban43472.50
Buug95917345.00
snowbimmer5056.50
KRS_SN13458.00
M5Rick59811.50
Ingraman144.50
      08-28-2023, 02:33 PM   #1180
Esteban
Major General
Esteban's Avatar
United_States
43473
Rep
7,224
Posts

Drives: a slow car fast
Join Date: Jun 2014
Location: SoCal

iTrader: (0)

Quote:
Originally Posted by BMWGUYinCO View Post
I take my cow for walks in the local vineyard.

I herd it through the grapevine.


__________________
Appreciate 0
      08-28-2023, 06:32 PM   #1181
KRS_SN
Major General
KRS_SN's Avatar
United Kingdom
13458
Rep
5,194
Posts

Drives: IX,G07
Join Date: Oct 2018
Location: Glasgow

iTrader: (0)

Garage List
2020 X7  [10.00]
X5  [8.50]
IX  [8.00]
A guy walked into a barbershop and sat in the chair. The barber asked, "Are you going anywhere on vacation this year?"

The guy replied, "Yes actually, my wife and I are going to Italy."

The barber said, "Why you going there? It's rubbish!"

"Well, the weather is supposed to be nice," answered the guy.

The barber replied, "Well, when me and my wife went to Italy a few years ago it pissed down I rain every day we were there."

The guy said, "Well, I hear the food is nice."

The barber laughed. "When me and the wife went the stuff they gave us was almost inedible."

The guy said, "Um, well, we'd really like to see the Roman architecture."

"You'll be lucky," said the barber. "They're doing the place up. Tarpaulin and scaffolding everywhere. Can't see a thing!"

Frustrated, the guy turned to him and said, "Okay mate, I'll square it with you. The wife and I, we're Catholic. And we'd really like to go to the Vatican and see the Pope."

The barber quickly answered. "Well, me and the wife are also Catholic. And we wanted to see the Pope too. But when we went to St Peter's Square, we were crammed in I with a million other Catholics and when he was on the balcony, all you could see was the tip of his hat... Honestly. Don't go to Italy."

A month passed and the guy returned to the barbershop and sat in the same chair. The barber said, "Oh yeah, weren't you the guy who was going to Italy?"

“Yes, I am," replied the guy. "And I have some issues to raise with you. Firstly, the sun was splitting the trees every day, the weather was amazing. Secondly, the food... pizza, pasta... it was incredible. Third... You said we wouldn't be able to see the Roman architecture. In fact, we could touch it. It was astounding to be so close to ancient history."

"Ah," said the barber, "but did you see the Pope?"

"Well yes," said the guy. "We did go to St. Peter's Square and we were crammed in there with a million other Catholics, and when the Pope came out all we could see was the tip of his hat. We were disappointed. But then his hands came out over the balcony and pointed to our section of the crowd, and everyone began murmuring and I was like, 'What's going on?!' Then the Pope came out into the square flanked by his Swiss Guard and he began his making way into the crowd, which parted before him like the Red Sea. The crowd began to grow excited and I could see he was coming in our direction. Then suddenly the folks in front of us moved and there was the Pope, the Bishop of Rome, standing before us, looking at ME!

Then the Holy Father himself reached out, gently took my hand and gazing at me intently he asked, 'Who the FCUK cut your hair?'"
Appreciate 6
Llarry15614.50
Addbuyer832.00
M5Rick59811.50
3.0L8932.00
2000cs3496.50
Ingraman144.50
      08-30-2023, 12:55 PM   #1182
BMWGUYinCO
Second Lieutenant
BMWGUYinCO's Avatar
4122
Rep
273
Posts

Drives: 22 M850 Convertible '23 X3 M40
Join Date: Apr 2020
Location: Colorado

iTrader: (0)

This one is for vreihen16

When the IT guy disappears...

He most likely ransomware.
Appreciate 6
R BMW948.00
vreihen1615158.00
KRS_SN13458.00
M5Rick59811.50
Buug95917345.00
cmyx6go15691.00
      08-31-2023, 07:48 AM   #1183
M5Rick
General
M5Rick's Avatar
59812
Rep
19,507
Posts

Drives: M5 F10 DCT Gunmetal
Join Date: Aug 2018
Location: Southern England

iTrader: (0)

My grandad was a WW2 veteran. In just one day during the Battle of Britain, he destroyed 8 German aircraft killing a total of 32 nazi aviators.
He was easily the worst aircraft mechanic the Luftwaffe has ever had.
Appreciate 5
BMWGUYinCO4121.50
KRS_SN13458.00
vreihen1615158.00
Llarry15614.50
cmyx6go15691.00
      08-31-2023, 06:49 PM   #1184
garyfried
Private
Canada
286
Rep
97
Posts

Drives: BMW 435ix
Join Date: Dec 2020
Location: Alberta,

iTrader: (0)

Where do cow farts come from?

dairy air
Appreciate 5
Esteban43472.50
BMWGUYinCO4121.50
KRS_SN13458.00
Buug95917345.00
M5Rick59811.50
      09-03-2023, 04:19 PM   #1185
KRS_SN
Major General
KRS_SN's Avatar
United Kingdom
13458
Rep
5,194
Posts

Drives: IX,G07
Join Date: Oct 2018
Location: Glasgow

iTrader: (0)

Garage List
2020 X7  [10.00]
X5  [8.50]
IX  [8.00]
I checked into a hotel last week

I asked the receptionist ‘can the adult channel be disabled?’




‘No’ she replied ‘we only have normal porn you sick bastard’
Appreciate 3
M5Rick59811.50
BMWGUYinCO4121.50
      09-03-2023, 04:21 PM   #1186
M5Rick
General
M5Rick's Avatar
59812
Rep
19,507
Posts

Drives: M5 F10 DCT Gunmetal
Join Date: Aug 2018
Location: Southern England

iTrader: (0)

Police had to moove a runaway cow that was blocking traffic on a country road.
Appreciate 1
KRS_SN13458.00
      09-05-2023, 02:35 AM   #1187
Llarry
///M driver
Llarry's Avatar
15615
Rep
498
Posts

Drives: 2022 M3 6-speed
Join Date: Jun 2006
Location: Oregon

iTrader: (0)

Garage List
Did you hear that the inventor of autocorrect has died? The funnel will be tomato.
__________________
'22 G80 M3 6-sp Portimao Blue/Tartufo
Appreciate 5
Buug95917345.00
vreihen1615158.00
Esteban43472.50
BMWGUYinCO4121.50
snowbimmer5056.50
      09-05-2023, 04:58 PM   #1188
WallySlash
Private First Class
WallySlash's Avatar
United_States
96
Rep
153
Posts

Drives: 2014 428xi Sport Line
Join Date: Jul 2017
Location: Keller, TX

iTrader: (0)

Garage List
2014 BMW 428xi  [9.00]
Muted the GPS in my car when my wife rides with me.

Couldn’t have two women in the car telling me where to go.
Appreciate 9
KRS_SN13458.00
Buug95917345.00
BMWGUYinCO4121.50
Llarry15614.50
Esteban43472.50
M5Rick59811.50
UncleWede17966.00
cmyx6go15691.00
Post Reply

Bookmarks

Thread Tools Search this Thread
Search this Thread:

Advanced Search

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off



All times are GMT -5. The time now is 07:49 PM.




zpost
Powered by vBulletin® Version 3.8.11
Copyright ©2000 - 2024, vBulletin Solutions Inc.
1Addicts.com, BIMMERPOST.com, E90Post.com, F30Post.com, M3Post.com, ZPost.com, 5Post.com, 6Post.com, 7Post.com, XBimmers.com logo and trademark are properties of BIMMERPOST