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09-02-2024, 04:51 PM | #1431 |
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What's the difference between a genealogist and a gynaecologist?
A genealogist looks up the family tree, a gynaecologist looks up the family bush. |
09-03-2024, 12:57 PM | #1432 |
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Last night I dreamt I was weightless. I was like 0mg.
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09-04-2024, 04:52 PM | #1433 |
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I had 12 bottles of whiskey and my wife told me to empty the contents of each and every bottle down the sink, or else!
So, I said I would and proceeded with the unpleasant task. I withdrew the cork from the first bottle and poured the contents down the sink, with the exception of one glass… which I drank. I extracted the cork from the second bottle and did likewise with the exception of one glass… which I drank. I pulled the cork from the third bottle and poured the whiskey down the sink, with the exception of one glass… which I drank. I then withdrew the cork from the fourth sink and poured the bottle down the glass… which I drank. I pulled the bottle from the cork of the next and drank one sink out of it and threw the rest down the glass. I pulled the sink out of the next glass and poured the cork from the bottle. Then I corked the sink with the glass, bottled the drink and drank the pour. When I had everything emptied I steadied the house with one hand, counted the bottles, corks, glasses and sinks with the other, which were twenty-nine. To make sure I counted them again… they came to seventy-four. And as the house came by, I counted them again, and finally I had all the houses and bottles and corks and sinks and glasses counted, except one house and one cork… which l drank.
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Wha' da ya mean? No brakes never stopped anyone before!
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09-04-2024, 05:20 PM | #1434 | |
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Quote:
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“Straight roads are for fast cars, turns are for fast drivers.”
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09-06-2024, 07:12 AM | #1435 |
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What do you call a pig with laryngitis?
Disgruntled.
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Wha' da ya mean? No brakes never stopped anyone before!
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09-06-2024, 07:15 AM | #1437 |
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Scientists got together to study the effects of alcohol on a person’s walk, and the results were staggering.
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Wha' da ya mean? No brakes never stopped anyone before!
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09-06-2024, 08:39 AM | #1438 |
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I was asked if people on the autistic spectrum took things literally and I said, no , that’s kleptomaniacs
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09-06-2024, 04:52 PM | #1439 | |
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Quote:
Man: Oh what a nice costume! Where’s your buccaneers? Little Johnny: Under my buccan hat!
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09-07-2024, 07:26 AM | #1440 |
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Sheikh's son went for higher studies in Germany. After a month, he wrote a letter to his father.
"Dad, Berlin is a very beautiful city, and the people are very kind to me, I feel odd when I arrive at the university in my Ferrari while my professors arrive by train." Dad replies- "Buy yourself a train, my son, and don't embarrass us" check for twenty million dollars attached. |
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09-07-2024, 10:04 AM | #1441 |
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Sign over airport urinal
Pilots with low manifold pressure and short
pitot tube please taxi up close.
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09-08-2024, 09:38 AM | #1443 |
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Can anyone remember the chiropractor joke that was posted not long ago?
It was about a week back. |
09-08-2024, 09:40 AM | #1444 |
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A priest, a rabbit, and a minister walked into a bar.
The bartender asked the rabbit: "What will you all have?" The rabbit says " I don't know! I am only here because of autocorrect." |
09-08-2024, 10:52 AM | #1445 |
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How did Burger King get Dairy Queen pregnant?
He forgot to wrap his Whopper. |
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09-10-2024, 09:24 AM | #1446 |
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Do you know why you never see elephants hiding in trees?
It’s because they’re so good at it.
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09-12-2024, 08:05 PM | #1448 |
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Life is like toilet paper, you're either on a roll or taking shit from some asshole.
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09-14-2024, 03:39 PM | #1449 |
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I was out for a couple last night and one of the local craft breweries has a new glass...
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09-20-2024, 05:58 PM | #1451 |
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Two guys are sitting at a bar, having a drink together.
1st guy: “I think Joe the bartender is having an affair with my wife.” 2nd guy: “How do you know that?” 1st guy: “Because he is so miserable.”
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