The joke thread, pics are not necessary

[Kowalski2011]

How do Amish celebrate Halloween?

They pumpkin.

[rwheels]

(from a video)
Knock, knock!
“Who’s there!”
“Police”
“What do you want?”
“Just want to talk to you.”
“How many of you are out there?”
“There are two of us.”
“Then talk to each other.”

[whyzee125]

Have you ever smelled moth balls?

(Person will usually say yes)

How did you get the little legs apart?

[3.0L]

Lady's underwear, 100% off.

[M5Rick]

Knock--knock
Who's there?
Mikey
Mikey who?
Mikey doesn't fit the hole

[forumlurker]

a storm blew away 25% of my roof last night

oof.

[KRS_SN]

Raul, Ronaldo and Beckham were all at Real Madrid's canteen. They were
eating lunch and Raul said;

"Tapas again! If I get tapas one more time for lunch I'm going to jump off
the top of the stadium."

Ronaldo opened his lunch box and exclaimed, "Burritos again! If I get
burritos one more time I'm going to jump off, too."

Beckham opened his lunch and said, "Ham & Cheese again. If I get a Ham &
Cheese sandwich one more time, I'm jumping too."

The next day Raul opened his lunch box, saw Tapas and jumped to his death.
Ronaldo opened his lunch, saw a burrito and jumped too. Beckham opened
his lunch, saw the ham & Cheese and jumped to his death as well.

At the funeral Raul's wife was weeping. She said, "If I'd known how really
tired he was of Tapas I never would have given it to him again!"

Ronaldo's wife also wept and said, "I could have given him tacos or
enchiladas! I didn't realize he hated burritos so much."

Everyone turned and stared at Posh Spice.

"Hey, don't look at me," she said, "He makes his own lunch."

[KRS_SN]

Ed and Red walk into a bar.


Suddenly, a woman at a nearby table, who is eating a sandwich, begins to cough. After a minute or so, it becomes apparent that she is in real distress.

Ed looks at her and says, "Kin ya swallar?" The woman shakes her head no. "Kin ya breathe?" The woman begins to turn blue and shakes her head no.

Ed walks over to the woman, lifts up the back of her dress, yanks down her drawers and quickly gives her right butt cheek a lick with his tongue.

The woman is so shocked that she has a violent spasm and the obstruction flies out of her mouth. As she begins to breathe again, Ed walks slowly back to the bar.

His partner says, "Ya know, I'd heerd of that there 'Hind Lick Maneuver', but I ain't never seen nobody do it!"

[M5Rick]

What do you call a sad coffee?

Despresso.

[2000cs]

A celebrating giraffe walks into the bar, says, “high balls are on me!”

[KRS_SN]

A World renowned expert in the sounds of European Wasps is walking down
the High St. one day when he spots an advert in his local record shop for "Wasp sounds from around the Globe". On further enquiry he discovers that a vinyl recording of this subject has just been released and a few copies are available in store there and then.
Naturally, being a World renowned expert in the sounds of European Wasps he is curious and asks the young chap behind the counter if he can have
a listen to "Wasp sounds from around the Globe".

A few seconds later the World renowned expert in the sounds of European Wasps is standing at one of those little sound stations with his
headphones on and a puzzled expression on his face. He removes the Headphones, walks back to the counter and catches the young sales
persons attention. "Excuse me" he says, "I'm A World renowned expert in the sounds of European Wasps and I've just been listening to "Wasp
sounds from around the Globe", and I must say, there appears to be some mistake.

Those are no Wasp sounds with which I am familiar". The young man dutifully checks the recording in question and assures the World
renowned expert in the sounds of European Wasps that he is indeed listening to "Wasp sounds from around the Globe".

Puzzled, the World renowned expert in the sounds of European Wasps returns to the headphones and once again begins to listen. After a few
seconds he once again returns to the counter and accosts the young fellow there.

"Excuse me" he says, "As I mentioned before, I am a World renowned expert in the sounds of European Wasps and I've just been listening to "Wasp sounds from around the Globe" and I have to say again, those are no Wasp sounds with which I am familiar. Are you certain I have been listening to the correct recording?" Slightly exasperated by now, the young man checks the disc currently playing and with a slightly sheepish grin confesses:

"Oops, sorry Sir, I seem to have played you the Bee side"

[rwheels]

Originally Posted by KRS_SN

A World renowned expert in the sounds of European Wasps is walking down
the High St. one day when he spots an advert in his local record shop for "Wasp sounds from around the Globe". On further enquiry he discovers that a vinyl recording of this subject has just been released and a few copies are available in store there and then.
Naturally, being a World renowned expert in the sounds of European Wasps he is curious and asks the young chap behind the counter if he can have
a listen to "Wasp sounds from around the Globe".

A few seconds later the World renowned expert in the sounds of European Wasps is standing at one of those little sound stations with his
headphones on and a puzzled expression on his face. He removes the Headphones, walks back to the counter and catches the young sales
persons attention. "Excuse me" he says, "I'm A World renowned expert in the sounds of European Wasps and I've just been listening to "Wasp
sounds from around the Globe", and I must say, there appears to be some mistake.

Those are no Wasp sounds with which I am familiar". The young man dutifully checks the recording in question and assures the World
renowned expert in the sounds of European Wasps that he is indeed listening to "Wasp sounds from around the Globe".

Puzzled, the World renowned expert in the sounds of European Wasps returns to the headphones and once again begins to listen. After a few
seconds he once again returns to the counter and accosts the young fellow there.

"Excuse me" he says, "As I mentioned before, I am a World renowned expert in the sounds of European Wasps and I've just been listening to "Wasp sounds from around the Globe" and I have to say again, those are no Wasp sounds with which I am familiar. Are you certain I have been listening to the correct recording?" Slightly exasperated by now, the young man checks the disc currently playing and with a slightly sheepish grin confesses:

"Oops, sorry Sir, I seem to have played you the Bee side"

[Esteban]

^^ Translation - Too long; did read.

[Mandi90TT]

A group of engineers are on a boat and are out on a cigarette break. However, none of them have a lighter. One engineer gets a great idea, and throws a cigarette off the boat. Suddenly, the whole boat becomes a cigarette lighter.

[Esteban]

Q: what made the cranberries go red?

A: seeing the turkey dressing!

[Dino GT]

Just a little friendly reminder....Before you lose your shit today, they don`t serve wine in prison.

[Dino GT]

A man walks into a drug store with his 8 year old son. They walk by the condom display and the son asks. What are these Dad?
Those are condoms son. Men use them to have safe sex.
Oh I see, said the son. I`ve heard of that in health class at school.
He looks over the display and picks up a package of 3 and asks.
Why are there 3 in this package? Those are for high school boys, one for Friday, one for Saturday and one for Sunday. Cool, says the son.
He notices a 6 pack and asks. Then who are these for?
Those are for college men, said the Dad. Two for Friday, two for Saturday and two for Sunday.
WOW! said the son. Then who uses these? He asks while picking up a 12 pack.
With a sigh, the Dad said. Those are for married men. One for each month of the year.

[Esteban]

The past, present, and future walk into a bar.

It was tense!

[3.0L]

A man tells the barber. "Don't put any sweet stuff on me. My wife'll think I've been to a whore house."
Another customer in a nearby chair says, "You can put as much as you want on me. My wife has never been to a whore house!"




One barbershop in town put up a sign attacking the fancy salon down the block.
The sign said, "Why pay twenty dollars? We give haircuts for two dollars."
The salon got even by putting up a sign of its own stating, "We repair two-dollar haircuts!"

[M5Rick]

I'm starting a new dating service in Prague.

It's called Czech-Mate.

[M5Rick]

Originally Posted by KRS_SN

A World renowned expert in the sounds of European Wasps is walking down
the High St. one day when he spots an advert in his local record shop for "Wasp sounds from around the Globe". On further enquiry he discovers that a vinyl recording of this subject has just been released and a few copies are available in store there and then.
Naturally, being a World renowned expert in the sounds of European Wasps he is curious and asks the young chap behind the counter if he can have
a listen to "Wasp sounds from around the Globe".

A few seconds later the World renowned expert in the sounds of European Wasps is standing at one of those little sound stations with his
headphones on and a puzzled expression on his face. He removes the Headphones, walks back to the counter and catches the young sales
persons attention. "Excuse me" he says, "I'm A World renowned expert in the sounds of European Wasps and I've just been listening to "Wasp
sounds from around the Globe", and I must say, there appears to be some mistake.

Those are no Wasp sounds with which I am familiar". The young man dutifully checks the recording in question and assures the World
renowned expert in the sounds of European Wasps that he is indeed listening to "Wasp sounds from around the Globe".

Puzzled, the World renowned expert in the sounds of European Wasps returns to the headphones and once again begins to listen. After a few
seconds he once again returns to the counter and accosts the young fellow there.

"Excuse me" he says, "As I mentioned before, I am a World renowned expert in the sounds of European Wasps and I've just been listening to "Wasp sounds from around the Globe" and I have to say again, those are no Wasp sounds with which I am familiar. Are you certain I have been listening to the correct recording?" Slightly exasperated by now, the young man checks the disc currently playing and with a slightly sheepish grin confesses:

"Oops, sorry Sir, I seem to have played you the Bee side"

I got a buzz out of reading this joke

[KRS_SN]

Originally Posted by M5Rick

I got a buzz out of reading this joke