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      06-29-2023, 03:32 PM   #1145
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Inspecting mirrors is a job I could really see myself doing....
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      06-29-2023, 03:36 PM   #1146
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I prodded my horse to get galloping and he said neigh.
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      06-29-2023, 10:10 PM   #1147
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I invented the alcohol diet.

Lost three days already.
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      07-05-2023, 01:49 PM   #1148
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A minister decided that a visual demonstration would add emphasis to his Sunday sermon. Four worms were placed into four separate jars. The first worm was put into a container of alcohol. The second worm was put into a container of cigarette smoke. The third worm was put into a container of chocolate syrup. The fourth worm was put into a container of good clean soil. At the conclusion of the sermon, the Minister reported the following results:

The first worm in alcohol . . . . Dead.

The second worm in cigarette smoke . . . Dead!

Third worm in chocolate syrup . . . . Dead!

Fourth worm in good clean soil . . . . Alive!



So the Minister asked the congregation, "So, my friends? What did you learn from this demonstration?"



Maxine, sitting in the back, quickly raised her hand and said, "As long as you drink, smoke and eat chocolate, you won't have worms!"

That pretty much ended the service!
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      07-06-2023, 12:05 PM   #1149
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What music do builders love listening to?
The Carpenters.
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      07-07-2023, 06:55 AM   #1150
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Quote:
Originally Posted by M5Rick View Post
What music do builders love listening to?
The Carpenters.
And occasionally some 'Nine Inch Nails'
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      07-07-2023, 06:57 AM   #1151
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Jacob was a good farmer, in fact he was outstanding in his field!
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      07-13-2023, 10:18 AM   #1152
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Knock Knock
Who's there?
Hike
Hike Who?
Unsuspecting friend
Me, waiting with baited breath
Sets the perfect trap.
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      07-13-2023, 12:03 PM   #1153
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Question: What do you call a policewoman who shaves her pubes?

Answer: A cuntstubble.
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      07-14-2023, 08:44 AM   #1154
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It burns.....
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      07-14-2023, 02:37 PM   #1155
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When did they have the first motorcycle race?

When they made the 2nd motorcycle.
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      07-16-2023, 02:55 AM   #1156
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A man asked his wife of many years "What would you do if I won the lottery?"

She responded "I'd take my half and leave you."

He replied "I won $12 yesterday. Here's $6; be sure to keep in touch."
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      07-16-2023, 11:21 AM   #1157
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I was on my way to work today, when I saw a woman with her hazard lights on.
I thought myself, ''At least she's honest''.
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      07-17-2023, 02:33 PM   #1158
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Why did the librarian keep buying books?

She had no shelf-control.
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      07-21-2023, 08:27 PM   #1159
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      07-25-2023, 05:14 AM   #1160
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What do you get when you cross Dracula with Sir Lancelot?
A bite in shining armour.
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      07-25-2023, 02:58 PM   #1161
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My dog ate a bunch of scrabble tiles, so I took him to the vet.

No word yet.
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      07-27-2023, 08:18 PM   #1162
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Quote:
Originally Posted by BMWGUYinCO View Post
My dog ate a bunch of scrabble tiles, so I took him to the vet.

No word yet.
True story:

We bought our kids string cheese during their schools years. We had a Lab. Before I mowed the lawns on Saturday, I always cleared the land-mines before mowing. One day, I found a Lab deuce, complete with a string cheese wrapper imbedded along the side of the turd, complete with barcode. I about laughed my ass off.
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      07-31-2023, 02:46 PM   #1163
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I do all mathematical addition in my head.

It's the thought that counts.
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      08-03-2023, 06:18 AM   #1164
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A lorry has overturned on the M25 orbital motorway containing Vicks vapour rub.
Cops have said there will be no congestion for six hours.
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      08-08-2023, 04:23 PM   #1165
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I just saw a guy collapse on the airport luggage carousel!

I believe he is fine as he's slowly coming around.
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      08-11-2023, 12:02 PM   #1166
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Cops pulled up beside me and my Yamaha on the hard shoulder on the motorway today.
Apparently its not the place to play a keyboard.
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