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      06-09-2023, 12:02 PM   #1123
vreihen16
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Two nuns were driving through Transylvania when a vampire jumped in front of their car.

One nun says to the other, quick jump out and show him your cross.

The nun jumped out of the car and started yelling.. Get out of the road you idiot! You make me so angry !
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      06-10-2023, 02:09 AM   #1124
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I always put in a full eight hours at work. Spread out over the course of the week.
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      06-10-2023, 07:31 AM   #1125
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      06-10-2023, 11:03 AM   #1126
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A Canadian traveling through the USA on vacation lost his wallet and all of his identification. Cutting his trip short, he attempted to make his way home but was stopped by the Canadian Customs Agent at the border in Alberta.

"May I see your identification, please?" asked the agent.

"I'm sorry, but I lost my wallet," replied the guy.

"Sure buddy, I hear that every day. No ID, no entry," said the agent.

"But I can prove I'm a Canadian!" he exclaimed. "I have a picture of Celine Dion tattooed on one side of my butt and Shania Twain on the other."

"This I got to see," replied the agent.

With that, the guy dropped his pants and showed the agent his behind.

"By golly, you're right!" exclaimed the agent. "Have a safe trip back to Toronto "

Thanks!" he said. "But how did you know I was from Ontario?

"The agent replied, "I recognized Justin Trudeau in the middle."
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      06-10-2023, 12:15 PM   #1127
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Originally Posted by Lady Jane View Post
"The agent replied, "I recognized Justin Trudeau in the middle."
<groan>
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      06-10-2023, 01:50 PM   #1128
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Q: What do you get when you cross a snowman with a vampire?

A: Frostbite.
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Last edited by Esteban; 06-10-2023 at 02:03 PM..
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      06-12-2023, 01:20 PM   #1129
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What do you call an alligator in a vest? An investigator.
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      06-17-2023, 03:23 AM   #1130
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Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish and he will sit in a boat drinking beer all day.
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      06-17-2023, 04:13 AM   #1131
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There are three types of people in this world.

Those who are good with numbers and those who aren't.
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Horsepower is how fast you hit the wall, torque is how much of the wall you take with you.
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      06-17-2023, 01:07 PM   #1132
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I saw a TV for sale with a broken volume button. How could I turn it down?
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Wha' da ya mean? No brakes never stopped anyone before!
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      06-17-2023, 01:08 PM   #1133
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I just sold my homing pigeon on Ebay for the 16th time this week.
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Wha' da ya mean? No brakes never stopped anyone before!
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      06-18-2023, 12:18 PM   #1134
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Why do ducks have feathers on their tails?

To cover their butt-quacks.
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      06-18-2023, 12:20 PM   #1135
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How does Darth Vader like his toast cooked?

On the dark side.
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      06-18-2023, 03:30 PM   #1136
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my new switch...
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      06-18-2023, 04:05 PM   #1137
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Quote:
Originally Posted by asianF22 View Post
my new switch...
I stopped playing video games years ago but Iím kind of tempted by the Switch. Nintendo has always had itís charm to me.
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      06-18-2023, 06:19 PM   #1138
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I stopped playing video games years ago but Iím kind of tempted by the Switch. Nintendo has always had itís charm to me.
I play from time to time, i bought the OLED Switch last year which was my first time playing with one. My niece and nephew have one so i'm able to play with them online.
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      06-22-2023, 04:39 PM   #1139
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An old guy walks into a bar and the bartender asks for ID. "You've got to be kidding" he said. "I'm almost 60 years old." The bartender apologized, but said he had to see the license. The guy showed his ID, then paid and told the bartender to keep the change. "The tip's for carding me" he said. The bartender put the change in the tip cup. "Thanks" he said. "Works every time."
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      06-24-2023, 12:06 PM   #1140
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What do you call when you're sick of being in the airport?

Terminal illness.
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      06-26-2023, 03:10 PM   #1141
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I think my wife is putting glue on all my firearms.

She denies it, but I'm sticking to my guns.
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      06-26-2023, 03:11 PM   #1142
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My neighbor couldn't afford his water bill, so I got him a "Get Well" soon card.
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      06-27-2023, 08:33 AM   #1143
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Headline: "Man in boxers leads police on brief chase"
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      06-28-2023, 03:07 PM   #1144
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I went to the paint store to get thinner.

It didn't work.
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