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      04-07-2023, 07:17 PM   #1057
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      04-08-2023, 03:42 PM   #1058
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"Just a little update on the situation with my son because some of you have been pretty concerned. Thank you for that.
He's taken going to jail pretty hard. He's refusing all food, he's swearing and screaming and is highly unpleasant with anyone who comes near him.
He's graffitied the walls and is refusing to wear clothes.

As a family we're pretty united in our decision never to play Monopoly with him ever again "
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      04-09-2023, 02:21 AM   #1059
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If you stay calm while all around you is chaos,then you probably haven't completely understood the situation.
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      04-11-2023, 10:22 AM   #1060
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I'm great at multitasking.
I can waste time, be unproductive, and procrastinate all at the same time.
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      04-11-2023, 08:08 PM   #1061
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Quote:
Originally Posted by M5Rick View Post
I'm great at multitasking.
I can waste time, be unproductive, and procrastinate all at the same time.
There was a term for that when I was growing up here in the States in the '50s and '60s. It was called 'goofing-off'. The term was longhand for 'lazy'.

I suspect it came out of the military, but I'm not sure about that.
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Last edited by dradernh; 04-11-2023 at 09:18 PM..
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      04-13-2023, 01:39 PM   #1062
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I just bought an original Van Gogh coffee table.

I know it's authentic, because there's a bit of veneer missing.
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      04-13-2023, 05:51 PM   #1063
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Quote:
Originally Posted by dradernh View Post
There was a term for that when I was growing up here in the States in the '50s and '60s. It was called 'goofing-off'. The term was longhand for 'lazy'.

I suspect it came out of the military, but I'm not sure about that.
When I was in the Army in the late '60's, we called it "skating" or "F-ing off."
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      04-13-2023, 05:52 PM   #1064
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Cannibal #1: "I don't like clowns."

Cannibal #2: "Me neither. They taste funny."
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      04-13-2023, 06:06 PM   #1065
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An Englishman, Welshman and a Scotsman were all stranded on an island and somehow manage to find a dead deer. They all wanted their fair share so the Englishman said “We’ll sort it out by which football teams we support”. The others agreed. The Welshman said “I support Liverpool so I’ll have the Liver”. Then the Scotsman said “I support Hearts so I’ll have the heart”.
The Englishman said “I support Arsenal but I’m not that hungry!”
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      04-15-2023, 03:37 PM   #1066
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I think they picked me for my motivational skills.
Everyone always says they have to work twice as hard when I'm around.
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      04-19-2023, 09:09 PM   #1067
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      04-21-2023, 04:06 AM   #1068
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I have a lot of jokes about unemployed people but none of them work.
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      04-21-2023, 11:23 AM   #1069
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Window washer motto

"There never was and there never will be a constipated fly."
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      04-21-2023, 11:36 AM   #1070
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Q: What does women's underwear and nail polish have in common.

A: They both come off with alcohol.
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      04-21-2023, 05:50 PM   #1071
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Q: If Mr. Spock has pointed ears what does Mr. Scott have?
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.
A: Engineers.
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Wha' da ya mean? No brakes never stopped anyone before!
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      04-23-2023, 06:10 AM   #1072
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The human brain is a wonderful thing. It starts working the moment you are born, and never stops until you stand up to speak in public.
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      04-27-2023, 03:07 AM   #1073
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I got kicked out of my community theatre group.

The director told me "Let's see you limp."

How was I supposed to know she meant walking?
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      04-27-2023, 08:06 AM   #1074
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I'm still angry that my high school class voted me "Most likely to hold a grudge".
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      04-27-2023, 08:38 AM   #1075
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Some old ones:

Once my dog ate all the Scrabble tiles.
He kept leaving little messages around the
house.

What did the duck say when it bought
lip gloss?
Put it on my bill

Whatís the most terrifying word in nuclear
physics?
Oops

What did the Tin Man say when he got run over
by a steamroller?
Curses! Foil again!

A blonde went to electronic store and she asked, "How
much is this TV?"
The salesman said, "Sorry, we don''t sell to blondes."
The next day she came back as a brunette. She asked the
salesman how much the TV was. He said, "Sorry, we don''t
sell to blondes."
The next day she came back as a red head and asked the
salesman how much the TV was. He said, "Sorry we don''t
sell to blondes."
She replied, " I came in here as a brunette and a red head.
How do you know I am a blonde?"
"Because that's not a TV, it's a microwave".
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      04-28-2023, 01:00 PM   #1076
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I like work, it fascinates me. I sit and look at it for hours.
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      04-29-2023, 08:43 AM   #1077
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What’s Peter Pan’s favorite place to eat out?
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Wendy’s
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      04-30-2023, 02:09 PM   #1078
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I knew a guy who was going to open a pastry shop, but he couldn't raise the dough.
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