The joke thread, pics are not necessary

3.0L · 04-07-2023, 07:17 PM

Commercial fishing operation has an immediate opening for baiting hooks. After 6 months of
satisfactory performance as apprentice baiter, guaranteed pay raise and promotion to master baiter.

KRS_SN · 04-08-2023, 03:42 PM

"Just a little update on the situation with my son because some of you have been pretty concerned. Thank you for that.
He's taken going to jail pretty hard. He's refusing all food, he's swearing and screaming and is highly unpleasant with anyone who comes near him.
He's graffitied the walls and is refusing to wear clothes.

As a family we're pretty united in our decision never to play Monopoly with him ever again "

M5Rick · 04-09-2023, 02:21 AM

If you stay calm while all around you is chaos,then you probably haven't completely understood the situation.

M5Rick · 04-11-2023, 10:22 AM

I'm great at multitasking.
I can waste time, be unproductive, and procrastinate all at the same time.

dradernh · 04-11-2023, 08:08 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by M5Rick

I'm great at multitasking.
I can waste time, be unproductive, and procrastinate all at the same time.

There was a term for that when I was growing up here in the States in the '50s and '60s. It was called 'goofing-off'. The term was longhand for 'lazy'.

I suspect it came out of the military, but I'm not sure about that.

BMWGUYinCO · 04-13-2023, 01:39 PM

I just bought an original Van Gogh coffee table.

I know it's authentic, because there's a bit of veneer missing.

3.0L · 04-13-2023, 05:51 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by dradernh

There was a term for that when I was growing up here in the States in the '50s and '60s. It was called 'goofing-off'. The term was longhand for 'lazy'.

I suspect it came out of the military, but I'm not sure about that.

When I was in the Army in the late '60's, we called it "skating" or "F-ing off."

3.0L · 04-13-2023, 05:52 PM

Cannibal #1: "I don't like clowns."

Cannibal #2: "Me neither. They taste funny."

KRS_SN · 04-13-2023, 06:06 PM

An Englishman, Welshman and a Scotsman were all stranded on an island and somehow manage to find a dead deer. They all wanted their fair share so the Englishman said “We’ll sort it out by which football teams we support”. The others agreed. The Welshman said “I support Liverpool so I’ll have the Liver”. Then the Scotsman said “I support Hearts so I’ll have the heart”.
The Englishman said “I support Arsenal but I’m not that hungry!”

M5Rick · 04-15-2023, 03:37 PM

I think they picked me for my motivational skills.
Everyone always says they have to work twice as hard when I'm around.

Esteban · 04-19-2023, 09:09 PM

💰

M5Rick · 04-21-2023, 04:06 AM

I have a lot of jokes about unemployed people but none of them work.

3.0L · 04-21-2023, 11:23 AM

"There never was and there never will be a constipated fly."

Esteban · 04-21-2023, 11:36 AM

Q: What does women's underwear and nail polish have in common.

A: They both come off with alcohol.

Buug959 · 04-21-2023, 05:50 PM

Q: If Mr. Spock has pointed ears what does Mr. Scott have?
.
.
.
.
.
.
A: Engineers.

M5Rick · 04-23-2023, 06:10 AM

The human brain is a wonderful thing. It starts working the moment you are born, and never stops until you stand up to speak in public.

Llarry · 04-27-2023, 03:07 AM

I got kicked out of my community theatre group.

The director told me "Let's see you limp."

How was I supposed to know she meant walking?

BMWGUYinCO · 04-27-2023, 08:06 AM

I'm still angry that my high school class voted me "Most likely to hold a grudge".

R BMW · 04-27-2023, 08:38 AM

Some old ones:

Once my dog ate all the Scrabble tiles.
He kept leaving little messages around the
house.

What did the duck say when it bought
lip gloss?
Put it on my bill

Whatís the most terrifying word in nuclear
physics?
Oops

What did the Tin Man say when he got run over
by a steamroller?
Curses! Foil again!

A blonde went to electronic store and she asked, "How
much is this TV?"
The salesman said, "Sorry, we don''t sell to blondes."
The next day she came back as a brunette. She asked the
salesman how much the TV was. He said, "Sorry, we don''t
sell to blondes."
The next day she came back as a red head and asked the
salesman how much the TV was. He said, "Sorry we don''t
sell to blondes."
She replied, " I came in here as a brunette and a red head.
How do you know I am a blonde?"
"Because that's not a TV, it's a microwave".

M5Rick · 04-28-2023, 01:00 PM

I like work, it fascinates me. I sit and look at it for hours.

2000cs · 04-29-2023, 08:43 AM

What’s Peter Pan’s favorite place to eat out?
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
Wendy’s

M5Rick · 04-30-2023, 02:09 PM

I knew a guy who was going to open a pastry shop, but he couldn't raise the dough.

04-07-2023, 07:17 PM	#1057
3.0L Colonel 8184 Rep 2,004 Posts Drives: M235i, 20k miles Join Date: Apr 2014 Location: California iTrader: (0)	Help Wanted Commercial fishing operation has an immediate opening for baiting hooks. After 6 months of satisfactory performance as apprentice baiter, guaranteed pay raise and promotion to master baiter. __________________ ///M235i \| Mineral Grey Metallic \| Premium Package \| Technology Package \| Driver Assistance Package \| Dakota Coral Red/Black Leather \| Harman/Kardon Premium 360 watt sound system \| 8-speed automatic Frog: "Time is fun when you're having flies"
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04-08-2023, 03:42 PM	#1058
KRS_SN Brigadier General 11220 Rep 4,559 Posts Drives: IX,G07 Join Date: Oct 2018 Location: Glasgow iTrader: (0) Garage List X5 [8.50] IX [6.00]	"Just a little update on the situation with my son because some of you have been pretty concerned. Thank you for that. He's taken going to jail pretty hard. He's refusing all food, he's swearing and screaming and is highly unpleasant with anyone who comes near him. He's graffitied the walls and is refusing to wear clothes. As a family we're pretty united in our decision never to play Monopoly with him ever again "
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04-09-2023, 02:21 AM	#1059
M5Rick Lieutenant General 51505 Rep 16,894 Posts Drives: M5 F10 DCT Gunmetal Join Date: Aug 2018 Location: Southern England iTrader: (0) Garage List '11 Honda Type S VTEC [0.00]	If you stay calm while all around you is chaos,then you probably haven't completely understood the situation.
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04-11-2023, 10:22 AM	#1060
M5Rick Lieutenant General 51505 Rep 16,894 Posts Drives: M5 F10 DCT Gunmetal Join Date: Aug 2018 Location: Southern England iTrader: (0) Garage List '11 Honda Type S VTEC [0.00]	I'm great at multitasking. I can waste time, be unproductive, and procrastinate all at the same time.
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04-13-2023, 01:39 PM	#1062
BMWGUYinCO Second Lieutenant 3647 Rep 254 Posts Drives: 22 M850 Convertible '23 X3 M40 Join Date: Apr 2020 Location: Colorado iTrader: (0)	I just bought an original Van Gogh coffee table. I know it's authentic, because there's a bit of veneer missing.
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04-13-2023, 05:52 PM	#1064
3.0L Colonel 8184 Rep 2,004 Posts Drives: M235i, 20k miles Join Date: Apr 2014 Location: California iTrader: (0)	Cannibal #1: "I don't like clowns." Cannibal #2: "Me neither. They taste funny." __________________ ///M235i \| Mineral Grey Metallic \| Premium Package \| Technology Package \| Driver Assistance Package \| Dakota Coral Red/Black Leather \| Harman/Kardon Premium 360 watt sound system \| 8-speed automatic Frog: "Time is fun when you're having flies"
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04-13-2023, 06:06 PM	#1065
KRS_SN Brigadier General 11220 Rep 4,559 Posts Drives: IX,G07 Join Date: Oct 2018 Location: Glasgow iTrader: (0) Garage List X5 [8.50] IX [6.00]	An Englishman, Welshman and a Scotsman were all stranded on an island and somehow manage to find a dead deer. They all wanted their fair share so the Englishman said “We’ll sort it out by which football teams we support”. The others agreed. The Welshman said “I support Liverpool so I’ll have the Liver”. Then the Scotsman said “I support Hearts so I’ll have the heart”. The Englishman said “I support Arsenal but I’m not that hungry!”
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04-15-2023, 03:37 PM	#1066
M5Rick Lieutenant General 51505 Rep 16,894 Posts Drives: M5 F10 DCT Gunmetal Join Date: Aug 2018 Location: Southern England iTrader: (0) Garage List '11 Honda Type S VTEC [0.00]	I think they picked me for my motivational skills. Everyone always says they have to work twice as hard when I'm around.
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04-19-2023, 09:09 PM	#1067
Esteban Major General 34809 Rep 7,218 Posts Drives: a slow car fast Join Date: Jun 2014 Location: SoCal iTrader: (0)	💰 Attached Images __________________
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04-21-2023, 04:06 AM	#1068
M5Rick Lieutenant General 51505 Rep 16,894 Posts Drives: M5 F10 DCT Gunmetal Join Date: Aug 2018 Location: Southern England iTrader: (0) Garage List '11 Honda Type S VTEC [0.00]	I have a lot of jokes about unemployed people but none of them work.
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04-21-2023, 11:23 AM	#1069
3.0L Colonel 8184 Rep 2,004 Posts Drives: M235i, 20k miles Join Date: Apr 2014 Location: California iTrader: (0)	Window washer motto "There never was and there never will be a constipated fly." __________________ ///M235i \| Mineral Grey Metallic \| Premium Package \| Technology Package \| Driver Assistance Package \| Dakota Coral Red/Black Leather \| Harman/Kardon Premium 360 watt sound system \| 8-speed automatic Frog: "Time is fun when you're having flies"
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04-21-2023, 11:36 AM	#1070
Esteban Major General 34809 Rep 7,218 Posts Drives: a slow car fast Join Date: Jun 2014 Location: SoCal iTrader: (0)	Q: What does women's underwear and nail polish have in common. A: They both come off with alcohol. __________________
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04-21-2023, 05:50 PM	#1071
Buug959 Captain 14996 Rep 872 Posts Drives: 335xi E90, GMC Sierra, VW Golf Join Date: Jun 2020 Location: Nova Scotia iTrader: (0)	Q: If Mr. Spock has pointed ears what does Mr. Scott have? . . . . . . A: Engineers. __________________ Wha' da ya mean? No brakes never stopped anyone before!
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04-23-2023, 06:10 AM	#1072
M5Rick Lieutenant General 51505 Rep 16,894 Posts Drives: M5 F10 DCT Gunmetal Join Date: Aug 2018 Location: Southern England iTrader: (0) Garage List '11 Honda Type S VTEC [0.00]	The human brain is a wonderful thing. It starts working the moment you are born, and never stops until you stand up to speak in public.
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04-27-2023, 03:07 AM	#1073
Llarry ///M Driver 9471 Rep 390 Posts Drives: 2022 M3 6-speed Join Date: Jun 2006 Location: Oregon iTrader: (0) Garage List 2021 Porsche Macan GTS [5.50] 2022 BMW M3 [9.75]	I got kicked out of my community theatre group. The director told me "Let's see you limp." How was I supposed to know she meant walking? __________________ '22 G80 M3 6-sp Portimao Blue/Tartufo full BMW CCA #115780
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04-27-2023, 08:06 AM	#1074
BMWGUYinCO Second Lieutenant 3647 Rep 254 Posts Drives: 22 M850 Convertible '23 X3 M40 Join Date: Apr 2020 Location: Colorado iTrader: (0)	I'm still angry that my high school class voted me "Most likely to hold a grudge".
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04-27-2023, 08:38 AM	#1075
R BMW Second Lieutenant 683 Rep 254 Posts Drives: 2014 328Xi GT, 2020 X3 MC Join Date: Apr 2019 Location: Minnesota iTrader: (1) Garage List 2020 BMW X3 M Comp [0.00] 2014 328Xi GT [10.00]	Some old ones: Once my dog ate all the Scrabble tiles. He kept leaving little messages around the house. What did the duck say when it bought lip gloss? Put it on my bill Whatís the most terrifying word in nuclear physics? Oops What did the Tin Man say when he got run over by a steamroller? Curses! Foil again! A blonde went to electronic store and she asked, "How much is this TV?" The salesman said, "Sorry, we don''t sell to blondes." The next day she came back as a brunette. She asked the salesman how much the TV was. He said, "Sorry, we don''t sell to blondes." The next day she came back as a red head and asked the salesman how much the TV was. He said, "Sorry we don''t sell to blondes." She replied, " I came in here as a brunette and a red head. How do you know I am a blonde?" "Because that's not a TV, it's a microwave".
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04-28-2023, 01:00 PM	#1076
M5Rick Lieutenant General 51505 Rep 16,894 Posts Drives: M5 F10 DCT Gunmetal Join Date: Aug 2018 Location: Southern England iTrader: (0) Garage List '11 Honda Type S VTEC [0.00]	I like work, it fascinates me. I sit and look at it for hours.
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04-29-2023, 08:43 AM	#1077
2000cs Captain 3227 Rep 1,004 Posts Drives: Potato Join Date: Feb 2012 Location: USA iTrader: (1)	What’s Peter Pan’s favorite place to eat out? . . . . . . . . . Wendy’s
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04-30-2023, 02:09 PM	#1078
M5Rick Lieutenant General 51505 Rep 16,894 Posts Drives: M5 F10 DCT Gunmetal Join Date: Aug 2018 Location: Southern England iTrader: (0) Garage List '11 Honda Type S VTEC [0.00]	I knew a guy who was going to open a pastry shop, but he couldn't raise the dough.
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