The joke thread, pics are not necessary

[Esteban]

A man walks into a bar, looking all bummed out, and orders a drink. After a few minutes he orders another. About thirty minutes later he orders a few more drinks.

The bartenders asks," you look really depressed. Is everything okay?"
The man explains," my wife and I got into big fight. She says she won't speak to me for 31 days."

The bartender asks," well isn' t that a good thing?" The man replies," sadly, tonight's the last night."

[Esteban]

So two condoms walk into a bar...
... They quickly realize that it is a gay bar. One condom turns to the other and says, "dude, we are gonna get shitfaced tonight!"

[Soul_Glo]

https://youtu.be/TywmpMQYojs

[HFW003]

An Australian ventriloquist visiting New Zealand walks into a small village and sees an old farmer sitting on his porch patting his dog.
He figures he’ll have a little fun, so he says to the old farmer
“G’ day, mind if I talk to your dog?”
Old Farmer: “The dog doesn’t talk, you stupid Aussie.”
Ventriloquist: “Hello dog, how’s it going mate?”
Dog (via ventriloquist): “Doin’ all right.”
Old Farmer: (look of extreme shock)
Ventriloquist: “Is this villager your owner?” (pointing at the villager)
Dog: “Yep”
Ventriloquist: “How does he treat you?”
Dog: “Real good. He walks me twice a day, feeds me great food, and takes me to the lake once a week to play.”
Old Farmer: (look of utter disbelief)
Ventriloquist: “Mind if I talk to your horse?”
Old Farmer: “Uh, the horse doesn’t talk either…I think.”
Ventriloquist: “Hey horse, how’s it going?”
Horse: “Cool”
Old Farmer: (absolutely dumbfounded)
Ventriloquist: “Is this your owner?” (pointing at the villager)
Horse: “Yep”
Ventriloquist: How does he treat you?
Horse: “Pretty good, thanks for asking. He rides me regularly, brushes me down often, and keeps me in the barn to protect me from the elements.”
Old Farmer: (total look of amazement)
Ventriloquist: “Mind if I talk to your sheep?”
After a long pause-
Old Farmer: (in a panic) “The sheep’s a f*ckin’ liar.”[/FONT]

[M5Rick]

What do you call a night watchman with deep-set self esteem issues?
An insecurity guard.

[flybigjet]

Why do they call New Jersey the "Garden State"?

Because when your there, you're guarding your house, guarding your car, guarding your wallet, etc.!

[M5Rick]

What Spice Girl can carry more gas?
Geri can.

[Soul_Glo]

Originally Posted by M5Rick

What Spice Girl can carry more gas?
Geri can.

I just found out The Spice Girls were paid off by the tobacco industry to hide subliminal pro-smoking messages in their songs.

I couldn’t believe it, so I put on one of their records, and it made me really really really want a cig or cigar.

[M5Rick]

Originally Posted by Soul_Glo

I just found out The Spice Girls were paid off by the tobacco industry to hide subliminal pro-smoking messages in their songs.

I couldn’t believe it, so I put on one of their records, and it made me really really really want a cig or cigar.

Just wow but it would take more than that to make me light up a Castella even for a laugh.

[M5Rick]

A shrink asks his patient how long she has had short term memory loss.
She replies ''As long as I can remember''

[KRS_SN]

Why do ants never become unwell?
Because they have tiny anty bodies.

[M5Rick]

A chap says to his shrink that he's having suicidal tendencies.
Shrink tells him he has to pay his fees in advance.

[Rocket455]

A cop starts his shift at the bottom of a hill, radar gun ready, hoping to catch a speeder. Hours and hours pass, and nothing. Just when his shift is about to end in dismay, he catches a glimpse of a car heading his way at a very high rate of speed. He gleefully takes down the speeder. He swaggers towards the car to issue a ticket, and sees a young man in his 20s is behind the wheel.

Cop says, with a grin on his face: "Son, I've been waiting for you the WHOLE damn day!"

Kid: "I know Officer, I came as fast as I could!"

[Soul_Glo]

🛞

[SpeedBuggy]

Originally Posted by Soul_Glo

🛞

Yeah, and the thing is they accept debit/credit cards, who are these people that can't come up with 6 quarters?

Although, we do have Sheetz gas stations in our neck of the woods that still have free air.

[M5Rick]

Originally Posted by Soul_Glo

🛞

That's a hissy rip off

[M5Rick]

I went to a gas station to pump up my tyre and the attendant charged me a dollar.
I said it was only 50 cents last week and he replied that it was the price of inflation.

[M5Rick]

I ordered milk for a milk bath.
The milkman asked if ''pasteurized''?
I said ''no, just under my chin''.

[3.0L]

Yesterday's Meals on Wheels

[freakystyly]

If your boomerang ends up in someone else's hands, was it ever your boomerang?

[snowbimmer]

Originally Posted by freakystyly

If your boomerang ends up in someone else's hands, was it ever your boomerang?

Corollary: What do you call a boomerang that doesn't come back,

A stick.

[M5Rick]

Two aerials met on a roof, fell in love and got married. The ceremony wasn't much but the reception was excellent.