The joke thread, pics are not necessary

[KRS_SN]

Doctor: "Your wife's in hospital."
Me: "How is she?"
Doctor: "I'm afraid she's critical."
Me: "Ah, you get used to that..."

[KRS_SN]

Doctor: Madam, Your Husband Needs Rest And Peace So Here Are Some Sleeping Pills.

Wife: Doctor, When Should I Give Them To Him?

Doctor: They Are For You.!!

[Esteban]

What's the difference between a BMW and an elephant.

The elephant has a trunk up front and an a**hole in the back.

[KRS_SN]

1. HER DIARY Saturday night I thought he was acting weird. We had made plans to meet at a bar to have a drink. I was shopping with my friends all day long, so I thought he was upset at the fact that I was a bit late, but he made no comment.

Conversation wasn't flowing so I suggested that we go somewhere quiet so we could talk, he agreed but he kept quiet and absent. I asked him what was wrong he said nothing. I asked him if it was my fault that he was upset. He said it had nothing to do with me and not to worry.

On the way home I told him that I loved him, he simply smiled and kept driving. I can't explain his behavior; I don't know why he didn't say I love you too.

When we got home I felt as if had lost him, as if he wanted nothing to do with me anymore. He just sat there and watched T.V. he seemed distant and absent.

Finally I decided to go to bed, about 10 minutes later he came to bed and to my surprise he responded to my caress and we made love, but I still felt that he was distracted and his thoughts where somewhere else. I decided that I could not take it anymore so I decided to confront him with the situation but he had fallen asleep.

I started crying and cried until I too fell asleep. I don't know what to do, I'm almost sure that his thoughts are with someone else. My life is a disaster.

2 - HIS DIARY Today the Lakers lost, but at least I got laid.

[BMWGUYinCO]

Originally Posted by KRS_SN

1. HER DIARY Saturday night I thought he was acting weird. We had made plans to meet at a bar to have a drink. I was shopping with my friends all day long, so I thought he was upset at the fact that I was a bit late, but he made no comment.

Conversation wasn't flowing so I suggested that we go somewhere quiet so we could talk, he agreed but he kept quiet and absent. I asked him what was wrong he said nothing. I asked him if it was my fault that he was upset. He said it had nothing to do with me and not to worry.

On the way home I told him that I loved him, he simply smiled and kept driving. I can't explain his behavior; I don't know why he didn't say I love you too.

When we got home I felt as if had lost him, as if he wanted nothing to do with me anymore. He just sat there and watched T.V. he seemed distant and absent.

Finally I decided to go to bed, about 10 minutes later he came to bed and to my surprise he responded to my caress and we made love, but I still felt that he was distracted and his thoughts where somewhere else. I decided that I could not take it anymore so I decided to confront him with the situation but he had fallen asleep.

I started crying and cried until I too fell asleep. I don't know what to do, I'm almost sure that his thoughts are with someone else. My life is a disaster.

2 - HIS DIARY Today the Lakers lost, but at least I got laid.

OK this made me LOL for real. #Truth

[Soul_Glo]

It's your first time. As you lie back your muscles tighten. You put him off for a while searching for an excuse, but he refuses to be swayed as he approaches you. He asks if you're afraid and you shake your head bravely. He has had more experience, but it's the first time his finger has found the right place. He probes deeply and you shiver; your body tenses; but he's gentle like he promised he'd be. He looks deeply within your eyes and tells you to trust him - he's done this many times before. His cool smile relaxes you and you open wider to give him more room for an easy entrance. You begin to plead and beg him to hurry, but he slowly takes his time, wanting to cause you as little pain as possible. As he presses closer, going deeper, you feel the tissue give way; pain surges throughout your body and you feel the slight trickle of blood as he continues. He looks at you concerned and asks you if it's too painful. Your eyes are filled with tears but you shake your head and nod for him to go on. He begins going in and out with skill but you are now too numb to feel him within you. After a few moments, you feel something bursting within you and he pulls it out of you, you lay panting, glad to have it over. He looks at you and smiling warmly, tells you, with a chuckle; that you have been his most stubborn yet most rewarding experience. You smile and thank your dentist. After all, it was your first time to have a tooth pulled.

[Dino GT]

My wife almost fell down the stairs and now we are in a heated debate as to whether my gasp was out of fear for her safety or excitement about a possible life insurance payout.

[Soul_Glo]

The balloon family are in bed. During the night there's a thunderstorm and the baby balloon is scared so he goes to his parents' room and tries to squeeze in their bed.

It's tiny so he lets some air out of his dad but still can't get in. Then he lets some air out of his mom – still he can't get in. Desperate, he lets a lot of air out of himself and then fits in. In the morning his dad is furious. He says "Son you've let me down, you've let your mom down, but most of all you've let yourself down."

[KRS_SN]

A little old lady went to buy cat food.

She picked up three cans but was told by the clerk, “I’m sorry, but we can’t sell this to you without proof you have a cat. Too many seniors are buying cat food to eat. Management wants proof that you are buying this for your cat.”

So the lady went home, brought in her cat and was sold the cat food. . . .

The next day, she tried to buy two cans of dog food and was again told she couldn’t buy them without proof.
So the lady went home, brought in her dog and was sold the dog food. . . .

One day later, she brought in a box with a hole in the lid and asked the cashier to stick her finger in the hole.
The cashier said, “No, you might have a snake in there.”

The lady assured her that there was nothing in the box that would harm her.

So the cashier put her finger into the box, quickly pulled it out and exclaimed, “That smells like crap.” . . .

The lady replied, “It is. I want to buy eight rolls of toilet paper.”

[BMWGUYinCO]

The former CEO of IKEA has now been elected as the new President of Sweden.

His first job is to assemble his cabinet.

(Showing myself out...)

[M5Rick]

My FTX account was hacked!

I'm missing all $0.54 worth of crypto.

[3.0L]

My uncle named his dogs Timex and Rolex. They're his watch dogs.

[M5Rick]

Originally Posted by 3.0L

My uncle named his dogs Timex and Rolex. They're his watch dogs.

He won't give them a ticking off for that.

[3.0L]

“Poor old fool,” thought the well-dressed gentleman as he watched an old man fish in a puddle outside a pub. So he invited the old man inside for a drink. As they sipped their whiskeys, the gentleman thought he’d humor the old man and asked, “So how many have you caught today?” The old man replied, “You’re the eighth.”

[M5Rick]

I used to have an account with a bank at the North Pole.

They froze all my assets.

[KRS_SN]

Did you hear about the man who invented the knock knock joke?

He won a no bell prize.

[M5Rick]

What do you call a boy named John who has a lot of money?

Johnny Cash. .

[M5Rick]

A teen said to his mom that life would be better without her.

So she didn't cook for him or drive him anywhere to show what life would actually be like without her.

[KRS_SN]

Little Johnny walks into his dad's bedroom and sees him sliding on a condom.

His father tries to hide it by bending over, as if to look under the bed.

Little Johnny asks curiously,
"What are you doing, Dad?"

His father quickly replies,
"I thought I saw a mouse go underneath the bed."

Little Johnny replies,
"What are you gonna do -- fuck him?"

[Soul_Glo]

Give a man a gun and he will rob a bank.
Give a man a bank and he will rob everyone.

[Soul_Glo]

A basketball player and a horse jockey just robbed the bank.

Police are looking high and low for the culprits.

[Soul_Glo]

Why are Irish bankers so successful?

Because their capital’s always Dublin.