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      02-15-2023, 02:59 AM   #969
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Q. What’s brown and sticky?
A. A stick!
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      02-15-2023, 12:04 PM   #970
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My wife and I have determined that counting calories doesn't work, and we have the figures to prove it!
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      02-15-2023, 02:17 PM   #971
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My wife and I decided we no longer want children.
We’re telling them over dinner tonight.
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      02-15-2023, 05:45 PM   #972
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The wife rang to say the three girls at the office have all received flowers and they're all gorgeous. I said "That's probably why".
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      02-15-2023, 05:49 PM   #973
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Two aliens land on earth near a petrol station. They get out off their spaceship and walk across the road straight toward the garage. One of them says to the pump: "Earthling, take me to your leader." No answer. He looks at his mate and then addresses the pump again: "Earthling, I said take me to your leader!" Of course, still no response. The alien then says "If this earthling doesn't show me some respect and at least acknowledge me, I'm going to blast him!" At that, the second alien replies, "Ok. I'm just going to stand down on the next block."

The first alien looks a little puzzled, but waits for the other to waddle to the next block. He then addresses the pump a third time. "Earthling take me to your leader!" Still nothing. So the alien then pulls out his ray gun and vaporizes
the pump. The station goes up in a huge explosion, blowing the alien all the way down the block to his partner. He gets up, dusts himself off, and turns to the second alien: "If you knew that was going to happen why didn't you warn me?

"Well, I didn't know exactly what was going to happen. But there's no way I'm gonna mess with a guy whose dick hangs to the ground, wraps around his body twice, and is still long enough to stick in his ear!"
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      02-15-2023, 11:11 PM   #974
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I watched my dog chase his tail for 10 minutes and thought “wow, dogs are so easily entertained." Then I realized I just watched my dog chase his tail for 10 minutes.
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      02-16-2023, 03:28 AM   #975
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I used to date a bricklayers daughter..
Cement the world to me.
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      02-16-2023, 12:37 PM   #976
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Two blondes fell down a hole. One said, "it's dark in here isn't it?" The other replied, "I don't know; I can't see."
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      02-16-2023, 01:27 PM   #977
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Windows

There was Window CE

Then ME

Then NT


CEMENT
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      02-16-2023, 03:32 PM   #978
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A guy asked a girl in a library: “Do you mind if I sit beside you”?

The girl answered with a loud voice: "I DON’T WANT TO SPEND THE NIGHT WITH YOU!!!"

All the students in the library started staring at the guy and he was embarrassed.

After a couple of minutes, the girl walked quietly to the guy’s table and she told him: “I study psychology and I know what a man is thinking, I guess you felt embarrassed right?”

The guy responded with a loud voice: "$200 JUST FOR ONE NIGHT!? THAT’S TOO MUCH!!!

And all the people in the library looked at the girl in shock and the guy whispered in her ears: “I study Law and I know how to make someone feel guilty"
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      02-16-2023, 03:36 PM   #979
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A nice, calm and respectable lady went into the pharmacy, right up to the pharmacist, looked straight into his eyes, and said, "I would like to buy some cyanide." The pharmacist asked, "Why in the world do you need cyanide?" The lady replied, "I need it to poison my husband." The pharmacists eyes got big and he exclaimed, "Lord have mercy! I can't give you cyanide to kill your husband! That's against the law! I'll lose my license! They'll throw both of us in jail! All kinds of bad things will happen. Absolutely not! You CANNOT have any cyanide!" The lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband in bed with the pharmacist's wife. The pharmacist looked at the picture and replied, "Well now. That's different. You didn't tell me you had a prescription."
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      02-16-2023, 03:37 PM   #980
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A lawyer married a woman who had previously divorced ten husbands. On their wedding night, she told her new husband, “Please be gentle, I’m still a virgin.” “What?” said the puzzled groom. “How can that be if you’ve been married ten times?” “Well, Husband #1 was a sales representative: he kept telling me how great it was going to be. Husband #2 was in software services: he was never really sure how it was supposed to function, but he said he’d look into it and get back to me. Husband #3 was from field services: he said everything checked out diagnostically but he just couldn’t get the system up. Husband #4 was in telemarketing: even though he knew he had the order, he didn’t know when he would be able to deliver. Husband #5 was an engineer: he understood the basic process but wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state-of-the-art method. Husband #6 was from finance and administration: he thought he knew how, but he wasn’t sure whether it was his job or not. Husband #7 was in marketing: although he had a nice product, he was never sure how to position it. Husband #8 was a psychologist: all he ever did was talk about it. Husband #9 was a gynecologist: all he did was look at it. Husband #10 was a stamp collector: all he ever did was… God! I miss him! But now that I’ve married you, I’m really excited!” “Good,” said the new husband, “but, why?” “You’re a lawyer. This time I know I’m gonna get screwed!”
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      02-16-2023, 03:38 PM   #981
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A man went to the Police Station wishing to speak with the burglar who had broken into his house the night before. “You’ll get your chance in court.” said the Desk Sergeant. “No, no no!” said the man. “I want to know how he got into the house without waking my wife. I’ve been trying to do that for years!”
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      02-16-2023, 11:34 PM   #982
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A lady goes to the doctor and complains that her husband is losing interest in sex. The doctor gives her a pill, but warns her that it's still experimental. He tells her to slip it into his mashed potatoes at dinner, so that night, she does just that. About a week later, she’s back at the doctor, where she says, "Doc, the pill worked great! I put it in the potatoes like you said! It wasn't five minutes later that he jumped up, raked all the food and dishes onto the floor, grabbed me, ripped all my clothes off, and ravaged me right there on the table!" The doctor says, "I’m sorry, we didn’t realize the pill was that strong! The foundation will be glad to pay for any damages." "Nah," she says, "that's okay. We're never going back to that restaurant anyway."
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      02-16-2023, 11:39 PM   #983
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A man in his mid forties bought a new BMW and was out on the interstate for a nice evening drive. The top was down, the breeze was blowing through what was left of his hair and he decided to see what the engine had. As the needle jumped up to 80 mph, he suddenly saw flashing red and blue lights behind him. “There’s no way they can catch a BMW,” he thought to himself and opened her up further. The needle hit 90, then 100, and finally reality hit him and he knew he shouldn’t run from the police, so he slowed down and pulled over. The cop came up to him, took his license without a word and examined it and the car. “It’s been a long day, this is the end of my shift and it’s Friday the 13th. I don’t feel like more paperwork, so if you can give me an excuse for your driving that I haven’t heard before, you can go.” The guy thinks for a second and says, “Last week my wife ran off with a cop. I was afraid you were trying to give her back.” “Have a nice weekend,” said the officer and he walked away.
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      02-16-2023, 11:40 PM   #984
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A male driver is pulled over by a cop and the following conversation takes place: Man: What's the problem officer? Cop: You were going at least 75 in a 55 zone. Man: No sir, I was going 65. Wife: Oh Harry. You were going 80. (Man gives his wife a dirty look.) Cop: I'm also going to give you a ticket for your broken tail light. Man: Broken tail light? I didn't know about a broken tail light! Wife: Oh Harry, you've known about that tail light for weeks. (Man gives his wife a dirty look.) Cop: I'm also going to give you a citation for not wearing your seat belt. Man: Oh, I just took it off when you were walking up to the car. Wife: Oh Harry, you never wear your seat belt. Man: Shut your mouth, woman! Cop: Ma'am, does your husband always talk to you this way? Wife: No, only when he's drunk.
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      02-16-2023, 11:44 PM   #985
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A loving couple was celebrating their 25th wedding anniversary, privately, at home with a couple of bottles of champagne. A bit tipsy and feeling very intimate the husband turns to his wife and asks, "Tell me truthfully, have you ever been unfaithful to me?" "Well," she replied, "since you ask, to tell you the truth I have been unfaithful on three occasions." "What? How could you?" "Let me tell you about it," she said. "The first time was back when we were first married. You needed open heart surgery and we didn't have the money, so I went to bed with the surgeon and got him to operate for free." "Gee! That was noble of you. And, besides, I guess I should be grateful. But, tell me, what about the second time?" "Do you remember that you wanted the position of the, and they were going to pass you over for someone else? Well, I went to bed with the President and the Vice President and they gave you the job." "Hell, I think I could have done it on my own. But, then again, I guess I should be grateful. And so, what about the third time?" "Do you remember two years ago when you wanted to become President of the Baseball Team, and you were missing 53 votes...?"
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      02-17-2023, 01:47 AM   #986
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Three sisters decided to get married on the same day to save their parents the expense of separate weddings. As a further step to reduce the price tag, the three sisters resolved to spend their honeymoon night at home. Later that night, their mother couldn’t sleep, so she went to the kitchen for a cup of tea. On her way, she tiptoed by her oldest daughter’s bedroom and heard her screaming. The mother thought to herself, “That’s normal, especially on her wedding night.” She snuck by her second oldest daughter’s room and heard her laughing. “That’s normal too,” she said, smiling to herself. Finally, she slipped by her youngest daughter’s room where she didn’t hear a peep, but she thought nothing of it. The next morning in the kitchen, after the husbands had gone out, the woman asked her eldest daughter about last night’s noises. “Well Mom,” she replied, “you always said if it hurt I should scream.” “You’re absolutely right sweetheart, ”the mother assured her, turning to her middle daughter. “Now why were you laughing?” she asked. “You always said if it tickled, I could laugh,” she answered. “True enough, honey.” The mother smiled, remembering her newlywed days. “Now it’s your turn, baby,” she said turning to her youngest daughter. “Why was it so quiet in your room last night?” “Mom, don’t you remember? You always told me never to talk with my mouth full.”
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      02-18-2023, 10:38 AM   #987
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      02-18-2023, 10:46 AM   #988
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      02-19-2023, 12:54 PM   #989
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My therapist says I have a preoccupation with vengeance. We’ll see about that.
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      02-20-2023, 11:00 AM   #990
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Doctor asked the nurse how the little girl who swallowed ten quarters was doing.
The nurse replied that there was no change yet.
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