How's your marriage holding up?

[4Hockey4]

Yea 8 vs 22 big difference, and looking back at 22 with "adult" perspective. I look around today, seems worse. Just coverage and security alone, then add in financial and emotional stability.

Not saying I wouldn't leave a marriage JUST because of kids, but I might hold on a few years longer b/c of them.

I gave up "not about me" when I had them, in many senses.

[Alfisti]

There is a lot to consider if you split up in regards to kids, especially the impact of the inevitable new partner acting as a second dad. Small kids almost always seek comfort with their mothers, it is just the way it is, you can find yourself on the outside looking in very, very quickly.

Dynamics are important too. If the woman sort of spoils the kid a bit and the dad is the disciplinarian, when you separate the dad is instantly the bad guy. Again, especially if the new guy comes in splashing around toys and other gifts that you purposely withheld because too much is no good for the kid. You can lose control of the framework of your parenting very quickly.

[Joekerr]

Originally Posted by Alfisti

There is a lot to consider if you split up in regards to kids, especially the impact of the inevitable new partner acting as a second dad. Small kids almost always seek comfort with their mothers, it is just the way it is, you can find yourself on the outside looking in very, very quickly.

Dynamics are important too. If the woman sort of spoils the kid a bit and the dad is the disciplinarian, when you separate the dad is instantly the bad guy. Again, especially if the new guy comes in splashing around toys and other gifts that you purposely withheld because too much is no good for the kid. You can lose control of the framework of your parenting very quickly.

We definitely see things much the same way. And I'm the disciplinarian for the most part, and if it weren't for my wife supporting me and backing me up to the kids, I'm certain I'd be the bad guy in my kids mind. Probably already am to a degree. Not super positive my oldest even loves me to be honest despite my wife constantly reassuring me that he does.

But I grew up in a house where we got the wooden spoon applied for all sorts of stuff and I grew up the better for it. So there is no way I'm going to withhold discipline either from my kids because I do see the benefits. Although, it does have to be done in a loving manner too which my parents were always good at.

But it was amusing to hear my eldest (who just turned 6) describe the hierarchy of power in the house. He's like:
"First it is God who is in control of everything. Then it's you Daddy who is the boss of Mommy and us. And then it's Mommy who is the boss. But you can tell Mommy no if you wanted to."

Which is true, but it necessitated a conversation with him about how much I love Mommy and so if she said something should be done, it would be very rare for me to use my position to override her. And because she knows that I love her and believes that I'm making a decision for the best of the family, she would submit to that decision in that rare case. But that mostly, Daddy and Mommy always agree on the way things should be done...though what wasn't shared was the discussions that happen behind the scenes between us where we sometimes change each others minds lol. Because we definitely don't always agree initially. Most times we are pretty much on the same page though which is nice.

[Alfisti]

We have clashed in regards to my eldest, and by clashed I mean absolutely gone to town arguing. I feel she has thrown way too many toys at him, is too easy on him and let's him off the hook too often. I could see from a very early age, maybe 3 to 4, that he needed a firm hand. He does everything in a bare minimum fashion, started lying early and generally had to work for nothing.

I raised a red flag early, missus saying i grew up deprived so just wan to pass that onto my kids. That is not the case at all, the constant gift giving, from a small kinder egg every day to half a dozen birthday presents at once, had me up in arms. His grades were excellent but I kept seeing "easily distracted" on his report card and continued to raise flags with the wife who continued to argue vociferously that I was an ass.

I also noticed an increasing trend of an inability to focus, just getting ready for school is arduous, bed time he would draw it out to a 45 minute process as of age 5 and I'd have to go downstairs to avoid a confrontation with the wife in front of him then she would come down and ream me out for not staying until he was in bed.

He is now 9 and the reality is become clear. Got his first D- for a test this year, lied to us and the teacher that he did his homework when he didn't, found dozens of candy wrappers under his bed. It is unravelling, and I saw it coming and now the work needed to repair this is going to take years instead of nipping it in the bud years ago.

She now admits she didn't see it coming but no apology at all, just wants to focus n how to fix it which is now my issue apparently. So how can I let another man into this realm, you think he is going to be as firm as I am? By 15 my kid would be lost, he needs me to guide him.

[//Melon]

I broke it off with my girlfriend of 8-years last week.

Now, she's still living with me, but hasn't packed a single bag, or done anything to hint at preparing to move out. This could end up being fun.

I've already looked up an eviction lawyer.

[Alfisti]

8 years, damn. Never thought to get married?

[//Melon]

Originally Posted by Alfisti

8 years, damn. Never thought to get married?

Long story, but I always knew this was going to happen.
Hoping things improve is a bitch of a feeling to get over.

[XutvJet]

Originally Posted by 4Hockey4

Kids are hardy and adapt easily to change, and they will get over it.

Agreed. My wife's parents divorced when she was 5. It crushed her that her dad left. Her mom tried her hardest to keep her dad out of the picture as well just because that's how she is. My wife is 45 and still struggles with the divorce and general lack of a dad as she grew up. I have a number of friends that grew up in divorced homes. They've all said it was terrible and exhausting. The kid's weekends were wrecked because they are constantly getting transported around, the parents saying things about the the other parent they shouldn't to the kids, fights about money amongst the parents, and lots of a boyfriend/girlfriend/stepparent issues. I don't have a single friend from a divorced home that wishes it on anyone.

Marriage and kids:

1) Before you get married, think damn hard about how much you're willing to compromise.

2) Once married, accept compromise and work through your issues like an adult.

3) Think damn hard about bringing kids into this world and your marriage.

4) Once you have kids, you must be prepared to compromise with your partner as you'll often be at odds about what you view as best for the kids.


Kids will DEFINITELY not help a compromised marriage. Having kids is full of compromise and you can pretty much forget about having much "you time" or alone time with your partner for the first 10-13 years of a child's life.

[Tambohamilton]

Originally Posted by //Melon

Hoping things improve is a bitch of a feeling to get over.

I think I know what you mean. I hope it's at least a peaceful split. Good luck!


I picked up some antidepressants today, after a phone call to my doctor. Hopefully levelling me out a bit will make the world seem a better place!

[floridaorange]

Sometimes i wonder if kids simply aren't taught about the sanctity of marriage and the importance of choosing your partner wisely. You have to know your true north and your likes and dislikes before you tie the knot. I was 28, my wife 26, when we got married - i knew, from observing others, that kids are what affect the most change in a marriage - due to a whole host of reasons. But for the life of me, i cannot understand divorce. Or remarrying, sharing custody, etc. It sounds like such a nightmare. Why can't the couple just forgive and love each other? Of course the answers are complicated, but life is complicated! Each individual needs to have a system in place for their marriage to work harmoniously. Having said all that, if there is infidelity, physical or mental abuse, or drugs and alcohol, that's different.

When i was a little guy, i'd leave church wondering how couples expected to start together without God in their lives. And church, although not mandatory, is a big part of putting God in a person or families life. But people these days seem to know better. They don't make God a priority, they don't go to church for various reasons. And then when life really gets rough, they wonder where their support and love is. Hell even this season of Covid I'd not want to attempt navigating without our church family. It's not obvious, it's not mandatory, it's not easy, church. But it serves as a weekly reminder, be kind, patient, forgiving, etc. Does church stop divorce? Of course not. But I wouldn't wanna try marriage without God in the center. Too many bridges had to be made in a marriage that i'm not capable of building on my own.

My wife comes from a family that divorced when she was 8. I know enough to know it's complicated and very very messy. And to this day, it's still complicated and messy.

[Alfisti]

Your problem there is god doesn't exist and is a figment of your imagination.

[erickonphoenix]

Originally Posted by Alfisti

Your problem there is god doesn't exist and is a figment of your imagination.

Yeah, my parents were atheist and happily married for 42 years. If not for a rare cancer they'd probably still be happily married. Communication, spending time together and compromise seemed to be the secret. I'm still learning the last part.

[fiveohwblow]

Originally Posted by Alfisti

Your problem there is god doesn't exist and is a figment of your imagination.

Daily reminded of your joy for life and how much of a pleasant chap you are.

[Joekerr]

Originally Posted by floridaorange

Sometimes i wonder if kids simply aren't taught about the sanctity of marriage and the importance of choosing your partner wisely. You have to know your true north and your likes and dislikes before you tie the knot. I was 28, my wife 26, when we got married - i knew, from observing others, that kids are what affect the most change in a marriage - due to a whole host of reasons. But for the life of me, i cannot understand divorce. Or remarrying, sharing custody, etc. It sounds like such a nightmare. Why can't the couple just forgive and love each other? Of course the answers are complicated, but life is complicated! Each individual needs to have a system in place for their marriage to work harmoniously. Having said all that, if there is infidelity, physical or mental abuse, or drugs and alcohol, that's different.

When i was a little guy, i'd leave church wondering how couples expected to start together without God in their lives. And church, although not mandatory, is a big part of putting God in a person or families life. But people these days seem to know better. They don't make God a priority, they don't go to church for various reasons. And then when life really gets rough, they wonder where their support and love is. Hell even this season of Covid I'd not want to attempt navigating without our church family. It's not obvious, it's not mandatory, it's not easy, church. But it serves as a weekly reminder, be kind, patient, forgiving, etc. Does church stop divorce? Of course not. But I wouldn't wanna try marriage without God in the center. Too many bridges had to be made in a marriage that i'm not capable of building on my own.

My wife comes from a family that divorced when she was 8. I know enough to know it's complicated and very very messy. And to this day, it's still complicated and messy.

Agreed - I'm a Christian and so is my wife. If we didn't have God centering us, there are a lot of disagreements that could have gone a lot further and a lot worse. But ultimately, because we have a center we agree with, we have common ground, and always find our way back and can see our own faults and seek forgiveness for them.

Originally Posted by Alfisti

Your problem there is god doesn't exist and is a figment of your imagination.

But what does he have to lose if he's wrong? He tried to be a good person, tried to be kind, and tried to love...all good qualities. And if he was wrong, then he dies and nothing happens.

But your potential problem if you are wrong is so much bigger. What if there was a God and you actively fought him your entire life and died? And were judged and went to Hell?

Then again, I'm a Christian so I have an outlook like his.

Originally Posted by fiveohwblow

Daily reminded of your joy for life and how much of a pleasant chap you are.

He does have a certain zest for life doesn't he? My theory is that it stems from having been born in a place where pretty much every living thing can kill you, and IS trying to kill you.

[fiveohwblow]

Originally Posted by Joekerr

He does have a certain zest for life doesn't he? My theory is that it stems from having been born in a place where pretty much every living thing can kill you, and IS trying to kill you.

LOL fair enough, that may be just the case..

I just think all things considered this year, I'm tired of the social tear down and destruction and used to be a silent observer. I am through doing so and detest behavior intended to do just this. I expect more from humanity. Be better. Do better.

[//Melon]

I'm an atheist, but there is nothing wrong with having faith. Faith brings people a lot of comfort and peace, and the Bible does have some good philosophy for life in there.

It becomes an issue when either side shoves in the other person's face.

[//Melon]

Originally Posted by Tambohamilton

I think I know what you mean. I hope it's at least a peaceful split. Good luck!


I picked up some antidepressants today, after a phone call to my doctor. Hopefully levelling me out a bit will make the world seem a better place!

Thanks man, me too.
I don't like to approach this with shouting or arguing, but due to the heated nature of emotions it may come to that.

I was on Zoloft for a few years in my early 20's. It really did me a lot of good. Don't hesitate if it makes you feel a way you don't like, sluggish, foggy etc. Sometimes it takes a few tries to find on that works best with your physiology.

[rcracin]

Imagine having to believe in theories that cannot be proven as the backbone of your marriage. It’s amazing the lengths ppl will go to in order to avoid accepting personal responsibility.

[fiveohwblow]

Originally Posted by rcracin

Imagine having to believe in theories that cannot be proven as the backbone of your marriage. It’s amazing the lengths ppl will go to in order to avoid accepting personal responsibility.

So a theory, like love you mean...

[rcracin]

Originally Posted by fiveohwblow

So a theory, like love you mean...

Love is an emotion. Marriage is a commitment. God is a figment of the imagination.

[floridaorange]

Originally Posted by Alfisti

Your problem there is god doesn't exist and is a figment of your imagination.

i'm not arrogant enough to think the earth spinning on its axis perfectly distanced from the sun and all the incredible details of earth was designed merely on accident. But you are of course free to believe in nothing. It would exhaust me personally not to rely on the holy spirit. When you compare us human animals to all other animals i think you'll find we are children of god - divine beings.

[fiveohwblow]

Originally Posted by rcracin

Love is an emotion. Marriage is a commitment. God is a figment of the imagination.

Love is action plain and simple, expressed often as an emotion. Unless you've tangible evidence of its existence, its still theory. Have you hinged relationships on emotion alone and not even what you consider theory?

God's relevance, thankfully, isn't determined by your declarations regardless of how hard you opine. This is called opinion.

Now mine (opinion), why do atheists practice their religion of devout dissonance against those of faith? Aside from //melon that is. What are you looking to do, to what end? You proselytize worse than most of any faith and its disgusting.