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      07-02-2015, 11:52 AM   #111
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Three guys at a bar. The first guy says, "Well I'm an astronaut, so I drive a Saturn."

And the second guy says, "Well I am a pimp so I drive a cheap Escort."

And the third guy: "I got you both beat. I'm a proctologist, so I drive a brown Probe."
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      07-02-2015, 11:55 AM   #112
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A frustrated husband seeking counselling !!

Dear Abby,
I’ve never written to you before, but I really need your advice on what could be a crucial decision. I’ve suspected for some time now that my wife has been cheating on me.

The usual signs… phone rings but If I answer, the caller hangs up. My wife has been going out with the girls a lot recently although when I ask their names she always says “ Just some friends from work. You don’t know them.” I always stay awake to look out for her taxi coming home, but she always walks down the drive.

Anyway, I have never approached the subject with my wife. I think deep down I just didn’t want to know the truth, but last night she went out again and I decided to really check on her. I decided I was going to park my BMW R1150 GS motor cycle next to the garage and then hide behind it so I could get a good view of the whole street when she came home. It was at that moment, crouching behind my bike, that I noticed that the valve covers on my engine seemed to be leaking a little oil. Is this something I can fix myself or should I take it back to the dealer?
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      07-02-2015, 01:06 PM   #113
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And the Lord said unto John, "come forth and ye shall receive eternal life." But John came fifth and won a toaster.
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      07-03-2015, 12:47 AM   #114
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Hilti joke

If you don't know, its a company that makes these ultra strong anchors with what you can attach anything with.

A man was interviewing for an advertising company, and they asked him to do an advertisement for Hilti products. The man started drawing, and 15 minutes later showed them a picture of Jesus on a cross, with the words Hilti, holds everything in place above it.

The executives were in shock. They told the lad it was not acceptable, to remake it. 5 minutes later he came back with an empty cross drawn with the words "he'd still be there if only they'd used Hilti's"
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You're still a little new here, so I'll let you in on a little secret. Whenever Lups types gibberish, this is an opportunity for you to imagine it to be whatever you'd like it to be.
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Originally Posted by Delta0311 View Post
How would you know this? Did mommy catch you jerking off to some Big Foot porn ?
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      07-03-2015, 12:53 AM   #115
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Was this joke translated?

Quote:
Originally Posted by Lups View Post
Hilti joke

If you don't know, its a company that makes these ultra strong anchors with what you can attach anything with.

A man was interviewing for an advertising company, and they asked him to do an advertisement for Hilti products. The man started drawing, and 15 minutes later showed them a picture of Jesus on a cross, with the words Hilti, holds everything in place above it.

The executives were in shock. They told the lad it was not acceptable, to remake it. 5 minutes later he came back with an empty cross drawn with the words "he'd still be there if only they'd used Hilti's"
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      07-03-2015, 12:57 AM   #116
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Forrest Gump

The day finally arrived. Forrest Gump dies and goes to Heaven. He is at the Pearly Gates, met by St. Peter himself. However, the gates are closed,and Forrest approaches the gatekeeper.
St. Peter said, 'Well, Forrest,it is certainly good to see you.. We have heard a lot about you. I must tell you, though, that the place is filling up fast, and we have been administering an entrance examination to everyone. The test is short, but you have to pass it before you can get into Heaven.'

Forrest responds, 'It sure is good to be here, St. Peter, sir. But nobody ever told me about any entrance exam. I sure hope that the test ain't too hard.Life was a big enough test as it was.'

St. Peter continued, 'Yes, I know, Forrest, but the test is only three questions.
First:What two days of the week begin with the letter T?

Second:How many seconds are there in a year?

Third:What is God's first name?'

Forrest leaves to think the question sover. He returns the next day and sees St. Peter, who waves him up, and says, 'Now that you have had a chance to think the questions over,tell me your answers.'

Forrest replied, 'Well, the first one -- which two days in the week begins with the letter 'T'?Shucks, that one is easy. That would be Today and Tomorrow.'

The Saint's eyes opened wide and he exclaimed, 'Forrest, that is not what I was thinking, but you dohave a point, and I guess I did not specify, so I will give you creditfor that answer. How about the next one?' asked St. Peter.'How many seconds in a year?

Now that one is harder,' replied Forrest, 'but I thunk and thunk aboutthat, and I guess the only answer can be twelve.'

Astounded, St. Peter said, 'Twelve?Twelve? Forrest, how in Heaven's name could you come up with twelve secondsin a year?'

Forrest replied, 'Shucks, there's got to be twelve: January 2nd, February 2nd, March 2nd... '

'Hold it,' interrupts St. Peter.'I see where you are going with this, and I see your point,though that was not quite what I had in mind....but I will have to give you credit for that one, too. Let us go on with the third and finalquestion. Can you tell me God's first name'?

'Sure,' Forrest replied,'it's Andy.'

'Andy?' exclaimed an exasperated and frustrated St Peter.'Ok, I can understand how you came up with your answers to my first two questions, but just how in the
world did you come up with the name Andy as the first name of God?'

'Shucks, that was the easiest one of all,' Forrest replied. 'I learnt it from the song,

ANDY WALKS WITH ME,
ANDY TALKS WITH ME,
ANDY TELLS ME I AM HIS OWN.'

St. Peter opened the Pearly Gates,and said: 'Run, Forrest, run.'
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      07-03-2015, 01:08 AM   #117
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Quote:
Originally Posted by MrPrena View Post
Was this joke translated?
Yeah, but I bet we all have the same jokes in some form.
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Joekerr View Post
You're still a little new here, so I'll let you in on a little secret. Whenever Lups types gibberish, this is an opportunity for you to imagine it to be whatever you'd like it to be.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Delta0311 View Post
How would you know this? Did mommy catch you jerking off to some Big Foot porn ?
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      07-03-2015, 09:54 AM   #118
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A guy walks into a local bank. He walks up to the woman at the teller window and says "Hey bitch, I want to open a checking account."

She is shocked! She replies "Excuse me sir, what did you say?"

"I said hey bitch, I want to open a checking account" he replied.

Now she begins to get angry. "You can't talk to me that way or I'll get the manager" she threatened.

"Whatever bitch, I just want to open a checking account" he said.

The woman storms off and returns with the bank manager. He says to the man "Hello sir. I am the bank manager. May I help you?"

The man replies "I hope so. I just want to open a checking account with an initial deposit of one million dollars"

"I see" said the bank manager, "and this bitch is giving you a hard time?!"
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      07-04-2015, 11:16 AM   #119
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Husband tells wife it's not ladylike when she uses foul language.
Wife replies, it's not ladylike when i give you a bj and then you cum on my face... I dont hear complaining, you hypocrite.
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      07-07-2015, 09:13 AM   #120
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Quit my job as a psychic, I just couldn't see any future in it. So I tried my hand as a taxidermist...it didn't last long, I got fired for doing a half assed job. Next I might try my hand as a mirror salesman, thats something I could always see myself doing.
Later today I'm going to the Rape clinic to donate some money...and I won't take No for an answer.

Last edited by SenorFunkyPants; 07-07-2015 at 09:35 AM..
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      07-07-2015, 02:26 PM   #121
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A man died and went to heaven. As he stood in front of St. Peter at the Pearly Gates, he saw a huge wall of clocks behind him. He asked,
"What are all those clocks?"
St. Peter answered, "Those are Lie-Clocks. Everyone on Earth has a Lie-Clock. Every time you lie the hands on your clock will move."
"Oh," said the man, "whose clock is that?"
"That's Mother Teresa's. The hands have never moved, indicating that she never told a lie."
"Incredible," said the man.
"That's Abraham Lincoln's clock. The hands have moved twice, telling us that Abe told only two lies in his entire life."
"Where's Obama's clock?"
"His clock is in Jesus' office. He's using it as a ceiling fan."
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      07-07-2015, 02:30 PM   #122
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My boss told me "Dress for the job you want, not the job you have"
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Now, I'm sitting in a disciplinary meeting with my boss dressed as Batman !
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      07-08-2015, 01:06 PM   #123
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There was a businessman who was getting ready to go on a long business trip. He knew his wife was a sex fiend, so he wanted to get her something while she was gone instead of going for other people, so he went to an adult store. He told the clerk his situation, and after some hesitation, he finally pulls out a wooden box with a nondescript dildo inside and says "This is the voodoo dick."

The guy is unimpressed, but then after the clerk says "voodoo dick, the door", it rose out, darted to the door, and started screwing the keyhole. The whole door shook with the vibrations, and a crack developed down the middle. Before the door could split, the clerk shouted, "Voodoo dick, the box!" The voodoo dick stopped and gently floated back into the box. The businessman happily said, "I'll take it!"

So, he gave some brief instructions, then proceeded on his trip. 2 days later, she got uncomfortably aroused and thought of several people, but then remembered her new toy. So she sultrily purrs "voodoo dick, my pussy", then it shot to her privates and started going crazy. It was great, like nothing she ever experienced. After her 3rd orgasm, she decided she had enough, but in the heat of the moment, completely forgot how to get it to stop. She tried all sorts of methods to stop it, but to no avail. Her husband didn't pick up, 911 thought it was a prank, so she decides to throw on a bathrobe and drive down to the hospital.

So she's swerving down the road, and her 7th orgasm made her almost drive down a bridge, so she got pulled over. The officer tries asking how much she had to drink, but she tried explaining that she has a voodoo dick thrusting away at her insides. The officer looks in disbelief and scoffs, "Yeah, right! You expect me to believe that shit? Voodoo dick, my ass!"
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      07-08-2015, 02:37 PM   #124
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2006 325xi  [0.00]
What?s the most confusing day in Harlem?



Fathers Day!
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      07-08-2015, 03:36 PM   #125
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I'm proud that my father invented the rear view mirror, but we aren't as close as we appear.
Good news for agoraphobics, a cure is just around the corner.
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      07-09-2015, 10:02 AM   #126
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Quote:
Originally Posted by ska///235i View Post
What?s the most confusing day in Harlem?



Fathers Day!
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      07-09-2015, 12:11 PM   #127
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Lately I've been trying to recapture my youth
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damn that broken cellar door.

Last edited by SenorFunkyPants; 07-09-2015 at 02:09 PM..
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      07-09-2015, 04:43 PM   #128
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A new machine came to market, one that smacks those who lie. The father decides this could come of use, and decides to purchase it and takes it home. A little while later, the principal calls telling him that his son skipped school. Outraged, the father confronts his son. The dad scoffs, "Son! Where were you during school hours today?" The son then replies, "At school!" to then be slapped by the machine. "Ow! Okay I lied I was at the movies." Furious, the dad asks, "Which one?" Mark then replies, "Harry potter." He's slapped again and says, "FINE it was a porno." Surprised the dad exclaims, "...at your age I didn't even know what a porno was." The machine slaps the dad. Watching it all unfold, the mother comes in and chimes in and says, "Hahahaha, after all he is your son." The machine gives her a hot, dirty slap.
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      07-09-2015, 04:58 PM   #129
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So two midgets go to Las Vegas and hit a big jackpot so they decide to splurge and get a fancy suite and two hookers. They each they their hooker into their separate rooms. The first midget is having a rough time though, no matter what he or the hooker tries, he just can't get "it" up. To make matters even worse, all he hears in the next room is "one, two, three, hhhhhhhngngngngn! One, two, three hhhhhhhhhgngngngng!". The next morning the hookers leave and the two midgets are having breakfast. The first one says "man what a horrible night. I just couldn't it going". The second midget looks at him and says "you think that's bad? I couldn't even get in the bed!"
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      07-09-2015, 05:44 PM   #130
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A hunter told to his best friend that he had bought a new hunting dog .....

The friend => Is your new hunting dog good in the hunt and chase ?
The hunter => He is the best hunting dog ever !
The friend => How ?...please explain ?
The hunter => On the first day I let him smell a rabbit's paw !
The friend => And ?
The hunter => He came back home with a rabbit !
The friend=> That's really amazing .
The hunter => And on the second day I let him smell the string-panties from my wife !
The friend => And ?
The hunter => He came back home with the balls of the pastor !
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      07-17-2015, 04:00 AM   #131
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This morning I just couldn't decide what to do first. Read a book on philosophy or go to the local stables for a quick ride.
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In the end I decided not to put Descartes before the horse.

Last edited by SenorFunkyPants; 07-17-2015 at 05:22 AM..
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      07-18-2015, 10:32 PM   #132
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Engineers and Physicist

A team of engineers were required to measure the height of a flag
pole. They only had a measuring tape, and were getting quite
frustrated trying to keep the tape along the pole. It kept falling
down, etc.

A physicist comes along, finds out their problem, and proceeds to
remove the pole from the ground and measure it easily.

When he leaves, one engineer says to the other: "Just like a
physicist! We need to know the height, and he gives us the
length!"






Engineer, Physicist and mathematician

A mathematician, a physicist, and an engineer were all given a red rubber
ball and told to find the volume. The mathematician carefully measured
the diameter and evaluated a triple integral. The physicist filled a
beaker with water, put the ball in the water, and measured the total
displacement. The engineer looked up the model and serial numbers in
his red-rubber-ball table.

If it was my company: The engineer tried to look up the model and serial
numbers, couldn't find them, so told his manager that it's just not going
to work.
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