Joke of the year competition.

[SenorFunkyPants]

So just as I was getting into my car, this bloke comes over and says to me "Can you give me a lift?" I said
"Sure, you look great, the world's your oyster, go for it.'"

[MrPrena]

Three guys walk into a restaurant .....
A Republican, in a wheelchair, entered a restaurant one afternoon and asked the waitress for a cup of coffee. The Republican looked across the restaurant and asked,"Is that Jesus sitting over there?"
The waitress nodded "yes!" So, the Republican requested that she give Jesus a cup of coffee, on him.

The next patron to come in was a Libertarian, with a hunched back. He shuffled over to a booth, painfully sat down, and asked the waitress for a cup of hot tea. He also glanced across the restaurant and asked, "Is that Jesus, over there?"
The waitress nodded, so the Libertarian asked her to give Jesus a cup of hot tea, "My treat."

The third patron, to come into the restaurant, was a Democrat on crutches. He hobbled over to a booth, sat down and hollered, "Hey there honey! How's about getting me a cold mug of Miller Light!" He, too, looked across the restaurant and asked, "Isn't that God's boy over there?"
The waitress nodded, so the Democrat directed her to give Jesus a cold beer. "On my bill," he said loudly so everyone in the restaurant could hear.

As Jesus got up to leave, he passed by the Republican, touched him and said, "For your kindness, you are healed." The Republican felt the strength come back into his legs, got up and began to praise the Lord.

Jesus passed by the Libertarian, touched him and said, "For your kindness, you are healed." The Libertarian felt his back straightening up, he raised his hands and he, too, began to praise the Lord.

Then, Jesus walked, with a huge smile on his face, towards the Democrat. The Democrat jumped up and yelled, "Don't touch me....... I'm on disability."

[Lups]

Originally Posted by okusa

M4...just saying

Bahahahahahahahahahhahahahahaha

I thought prenna's entry was good but this one made me laugh out loud.

[Onewheeldrive]

What did Kermit the Frog say at Jim Henson's funeral?
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
Nothing...

[MrPrena]

The gold digger of a girlfriend came home steaming drunk last night.
"You up for some role play action, babe?" she asked with a wink.

"Not really," he replied.
"Oh, come on," she said. "We can act out ANY scene, from ANY film you want."
Walking over to her with a huge smile on his face, He noticed her expression change. She had realized her mistake, however it was too late. Where he had previously seen arousal in her eyes, he now saw only blind terror...

As he shouted, "THIS... IS... SPARTA!" and kicked her down the stairs.

[Lups]

^^ so bad but

[1smokehouse]

What's the difference between roast beef and pea soup?

You can roast beef but you can't pea soup...

[ASBSECU E93]

Your Mama is so fat - she's got stretch marks on her clothes...

[UncleWede]

What do airplanes and dyed-blondes have in common?



.



black boxes

[Revartr]

Originally Posted by UncleWede

What do airplanes and dyed-blondes have in common?



.



black boxes

I almost spit my drink all over myself.

[Lups]

A tiny flea walked into an airport bar, Completely frozen. His friend asked what had happened.

" i went on a harley all the way to Alaska in a bikers beard. I'm telling you guys, a horrible way to travel!"

His friends felt his pain and shared their tips with the poor flea.

"dude, you need to get a few drinks into you, find a beautiful flight attendant, climb into her pubic hair, and the next thing you know, Hawaii and sun! That's the way to travel!"

The poor flea took their advice. He found the perfect candidate, said good bye to his friends, and hopped into her lap.

A few weeks later the same group met in the same bar. The poor flea was blue again, and the friends asked in shock what went wrong.

"i truly do not know guys! I did what you told me to do! When i woke up the next morning, i was once again in some bikers beard, on my way to Alaska!"

[N55]

A young blonde woman is distraught because she fears her husband is having an affair, so she goes to a gun shop and buys a handgun. The next day she comes home to find her husband in bed with a beautiful redhead. She grabs the gun and holds it to her own head. The husband jumps out of bed, begging and pleading with her not to shoot herself. Hysterically the blonde responds to the husband, ''Shut up...you're next!''

[N55]

Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other man pulls out his cell phone and calls emergency services. He gasps to the operator, "My friend is dead! What can I do?" The operator in a calm, soothing voice replies, "Take it easy. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead." There is a silence, then a shot is heard.

Back on the phone, the hunter says, "OK, now what?"

[UncleWede]

Originally Posted by Revartr

I almost spit my drink all over myself.

Banned for risking drink reading joke thread

[ASBSECU E93]

How do you drown a blonde....put a mirror on the bottom of a pool...

[ASBSECU E93]

What is a blonde between two brunette's?


Confused.

[ethanjoon]

What's the difference between jam and jelly?
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
Can't jelly a d*** up your b*tt.

[pukicabuki]

What's the hardest part of a vegetable to eat?








The wheelchair.

[MrPrena]

A woman goes to the Doctor, worried about her husband's temper.

The Doctor asks: "What's the problem?

The woman says: "Doctor, I don't know what to do. Every day my husband seems to get angry for no reason."

The Doctor says: "I have a cure for that. When it seems that your Husband is getting angry, just take a glass of water and start swishing it in your mouth. Just swish and swish but don't swallow it until he either leaves the room or goes to bed and falls asleep."

Two weeks later the woman comes back to the doctor, looking fresh and reborn.

The woman says: "Doctor that was a brilliant idea! Every time my Husband started losing it, I swished with water. I swished and swished, and he calmed right down! How does a glass of water do that?"

The Doctor says: "The water itself does nothing. It's keeping your Mouth shut that does the trick...."

[ASBSECU E93]

Originally Posted by MrPrena

Three guys walk into a restaurant .....

That sh1t is funny!!

[MrPrena]

Originally Posted by ASBSECU E93

That sh1t is funny!!

I am reading through all the jokes from forums I (and members) posted for years. Some are inappropriate, but more comings.
I will filter out any offensive ones, and post as clean jokes as I can.

I am glad that no one posted, "a baby seal walked into a club."

[MrPrena]

A guy calls a company and orders their 5-day, 10 lb. weight loss program.

The next day, there's a knock on the door and there stands before him a voluptuous, athletic, 19 year old babe dressed in nothing but a pair of Nike running shoes and a sign around her neck. She introduces herself as a representative of the weight loss company. The sign reads, "If you can catch me, you can have me." Without a second thought, he takes off after her. A few miles later huffing and puffing, he finally gives up. The same girl shows up for the next four days and the same thing happens. On the fifth day, he weighs himself and is delighted to find he has lost 10 lbs. as promised.

He calls the company and orders their 5-day/20 pound program. The next day there's a knock at the door and there stands the most stunning, beautiful, sexy woman he has ever seen in his life. She is wearing nothing but Reebok running shoes and a sign around her neck that reads, "If you catch me you can have me". Well, he's out the door after her like a shot. This girl is in excellent shape and he does his best, but no such luck. So for the next four days, the same routine happens with him gradually getting in better and better shape. Much to his delight on the fifth day when he weighs himself, he discovers that he has lost another 20 lbs. as promised.

He decides to go for broke and calls the company to order the 7-day/50 pound program.
"Are you sure?" asks the representative on the phone. "This is our most rigorous program."
"Absolutely," he replies, "I haven't felt this good in years."
The next day there's a knock at the door; and when he opens it he finds a huge muscular guy standing there wearing nothing but pink running shoes and a sign around his neck that reads, "If I catch you, your ass is mine."
He lost 63 pounds that week.